... IS BACK IN BUSINESS!

Dudes! Okay this is unrelated to my hacker woes at the bank... But I was outside looking through the bushes for my ethernet cable tester tool that fell out of the window and as I was walking by the employee entrance I saw this scrap of paper that said something weird on it that caught my eye something fast!

I took it inside and used my digitcam and snapped a quicky pic before I burned it because I don't know if this is a clue as to what is going on or not and I did not want to risk getting some foreign disease or something.

TAKE A LOOK (clicker to zoooom in):

What is really strange about this is the phone number! The last four didgits just happens to be my PIN code for my ATM card! And I've never heard of Canbodia so then I looked on the Wikapedia and saw it is a country in the Asia area! Next to Vitenam... And I think this guy's name is Buji or something, or that is his crack handle! Or his Second Wife login!

Whatever! So I am seriously thinking that this was a message to me! I am going home for the day to sleep it off.

Dudes I had to measure into my own hands today after yesterday's gross discovery! The CEO lady wont let me get the fecial recognizer software that I asked (WTF because I got budget) for and now I have to figure out how to keep this from getting out of hand. There have not been any more poop in the drive-through yet and we closed that lane down until Thursday (It would have been open today but I tried to clean it with a plumber snake tool that I wrapped some paper towels around one end and sprayed with 409 cleaner but they got stuck and that made the matter worse).

But I got to thinky and I then I know from my own experiences on the throne that nobody could actually poop and pee that fast so I figured it must have been done by our employees or someone who came into the bank toilets and did it into a baggie or soda cup and then strolled on out to make their merry mischief... Them girls never said anybody was there more than like half a minute!

So until I get the cameras up and can watch stuff again, I decide to engage in a bit of security theater! You know that is when you can't really make people secure so you tell them you are making them secure using slogans like "Only two remote holes in the default install!" and then you attack their character if they question you. So I figured if it works so well since 9-11 then it will work at the bank to keep the turd droppers out! LSOSL!!!

So I made these signs and put them up in the toilets in the building (don't ask what that is in the upper right corner):

So until I get them cameras fixed this will have to do and please nobody tell anyone at the bank (especially our CEO lady) or their bosses (the CEO of the larger bank) that they haven't been working. The less people know the more it can't hurt me! L!O!LSS!!!

Hey dudes!!! The thing here at the bank has really gotten a strange physical security matter I need to address. And we need to do it fast because well, it's a sticky situation in more ways than just one.

Well, so this weekend we had some stuff go down (our bank recently started offering drive-through service on the weekends here at the main headquarters building in the city) that was very troubling to our ladies that work in the drive-through. Them teller gals tried to call our security tard named Louis but he can't keep his pants up very well and sleeps most of the day so he did not come running when he needed to and all the girls got freaked out.

See, someone drove up and took the teller return canister thing and pressed the "send" button. Well it started to suck the can through the tube and a few seconds later the gals started smelling something bad and then some liquid sprayed out of the chute right before the can dropped down. A bunch of stuff got wet. They opened it up and there was a poop in there with some pee as well! Well I guess them girls screamed and ran and then their boss lady came strutting out and she hockey pucked it into the bathroom with a broom and they tried to call Louis but he was out getting his butt waxed or something. So they called me!

Normally I like when them girls call me but when they told me they had a loaf in the thing, I was hesitant. But I did it anyway because those girls smell nice and sometimes I can see their panties up their skirts when I work on the floor! LOLSSL!!!

So I got there and looked at the poop and sure enough it was a big sopping wet log!

So I was wondering who did this so I went to the security room where all the tapes are for the survey cameras that watch everything we eat and sleep at the bank. When I got there I remembered: Them security cameras don't work anymore since I tried to replace the tape system thinger with used QuickCams that I bought on eBay for $10 a dozen. I did not get them hooked up because I can't find a parallel port expander that works with Vista... So I got no video recorded from the security cams so I can't go and see who that dirty sleezer was!

I was wondering who might have done this then it hit me! Last week I took down our wireless LAN and it was named "PoopGoesHere" because I figured nobody would want to use that. Apparently those Chinese hackers must have been using it to spy on us and they are mad that their keys to the world are gone.

So my plan is to put the "PoopGoesHere" wireless back up, then get the old cameras working. Here is where it is brilliant! Once I got them cams back up, I want to use some of that face recognizer software that they use to keep Arabs off of our airplanes. But instead of training it using pictures of brown people, I am going to train the software to recognize poop! I will zoom the cameras up on the chute spout in each drive-through lane and when the software sees a turd, it will alert security and shut the chute down! PROBLEM SOLVED! So then once I trap the bait with my wireless, I shut it off again and the mad shitster will return and get caught and yours truly will take full credit for this brilliant idea and probably win some "security of the years" award in the process!

So the question I have is, who here has experience with face recognizer programs and is willing to work for pizza and beers?!

Heye dudes! Bilano here once more to upgrade your brain with some improtant knowledge that is sure to make your day almost as good as my worst!

Since them Chinas are hacking my employer and trying to find their way to the womb of the golden goose, I've instructed our CEO lady (who recently got demoted LOOSL!!! her title is now "General Manager" - what a kick in the titties!) that we need to take drastic measures to stop this infiltration!

Someone in Twittar told me that I could buy one of HD MOORE's new laptops that he makes called the iPawn (clicker here and see about this thing that guy is peddling). It is a laptop he buys from the pawn shop and then puts wireless cards in it and loads Ubatntu Linix on it and makes a fortune. I guess this is what he does since he was disgraced by that DNS bug he discovered which turned out to be a feature only after industry spent billions on patching it. That poor guy I wanted to buy one so I asked him if he could put Airsnorter-NG on my old Apple Newton and they did not respond. So whatever!

So anyway back to my thing. In my tireless efforts to thwart the swelling trend of the Chinese darkies (a term coined by Doc Jumper from The Dark Visiter site about hacking rituals in China), I have decided that we are going to need a new wireless network to shore up our perimeter. I never turned on wireless encryption before because it was to frail and really, who is going to get on a wireless named "PoopGoesHere"? But I tell you it gets funny when I tell new employees that that is the one to use. They love usin it because I put this big antenna and booster thinger on the roof of the bank and it gets like ten blocks of range and even our interns at the university can use it from their dorms!

So anyway I am going to finally security this thing and I was looking at what new wireless things to get. I found one that looks like it might just fit the Bill (LOSLSSSS!!) and my waning budget. So here it is: this looks like a winner. The reason it looks so good to me, honestly, is because of this feature here:

This thing has double firewalls on it! And we all know that two is better than one! And it is only $80! That's a bargain at twice the price. Old Bill here is thrifty if nothing else other than brilliant! The company says this, as you can see above, gives the users protection from external hacker attacks! So when them hackers try to run a train on your data this thing will throw the gauntlet at them and a full out urban assault commences on their IP packets!!! Thank God (capital G if you pleas!!) for Natgear and that is all I got to say about that one!

See I always prefer Negtear over Linksys (Stinksys!! LOSL!!) because once Crisco bought that Lenksys company and started calling it Cisco-light gear all the fun went poop. And the problem with Cisco is they tried to prevent the release of OpenBSD saying that Theor stole the secret goat for thier crappy failover code. Ever since then I have refused to buy any Cicso stuff and then when their rep calls I ask him a lot of questions even though I have no intention to buy anything just to make him waste his time to cost Cisso money! Think of the hit on the stock price! LOLSLSO!

Anyway that is all for today I got to go drop some brown before my shorts take it in the curlies!

All these dutes on Twittser are all atwitting about mangay faces! That is where you put on makeup and run around like a Japan. Or you have someone make your face look like you was from one of their crazy cartoons. (One of these guys I fired had them pictures in some magazine he got when he went to Japan because he is into that culture if you can handle it. He went there and he came back with these things and they were full of big eye girls in bird costumes getting sexed up by eels and stuff. That was crossed my boundaries of good taste so I told him to start packing!)

Anyway this guy on Twittar made me one of them things because I am just that rocking good looking!!!

Here is it:

YEAH!!!

Here are some pics from my trip in Vegas for those! Everbody check them out and tell me if you see yourself so I can put some names to faces!!!

This first one is what I call "Nerd Hall" because it was me at the Riveria hotel walking through a hall of people who are master hackers! And that one guy who has the white hat I thought that was funny becaues this was a black hat convention and he had a lot of nerve showing up like that! He said he called himself "The Chef" and he could not speak English very well so I told him to cook me up a packet and he pulled out some Sweet and Low... does anyone get these poeple!??!

This next picture is from one of those lame teach sessions I went to where you sit and learn. I got bored playing with my thumbs and so I got my camer out and took this lovely photo of a bunch of rapt geeks listening to someone talk about their socks ports or something. There was that blond gal in the lower right corner who had big boobies and later she slapped me when I said I was part of the bikini inspection squad! LOL!L! But that did not happen. Really she sat there looking at her nails the whole time. Crazy broads!

You can also see some guy looking at me right above her. Some big dude that looks like a sea lion. I don't know what his problem is but he may have recognized me so if you know who that is then say hi!

That is all for now!!! More later maybe if I can get this camera to work right.

Hey dudes I am back! From the Last Vegas Defcon convention! For those that did not make the effort to read my Tweets on that Twitter thing all last week, let me clue you nerds in on what went down:

1. I get to the Vegas and got to the hotel!
2. I went and wandered around.
3. Spent a few days in some worthless sessions about stupid stuff nobody cares about like TPC/IP headings and how to break your anti-virus... sheesh! Then I think they arrested Kevin Matnick again because he got too close to a soda machine.
4. Partied with my peers!!! It was great because they probably did the same as me and told their boss that it would be worthwhile and then they just go and drink and dance and sex each other! But I was good because Mary came back last year... but she still hasn't said a word since she got back she just goes to her work and comes home. She still aint got used to the time zone change neither since she was in Thailand because she goes to work at like 8PM and comes home at 4AM but whatever as long as she makes the boys breakfast and cleans my shorts I am okay!!! LOVE YA HON!!!
5. Then I had a boozer with that guy Shawn Moyers from TWIT! He is a super guy and made me a believer!
6. Then I came home to make heads or tails of all of what I seen there.

So anyway I am still trying to get my pictures off of my digit-cam... I got some great pictures of these dancin girls and Shawn told me that them girls had camel feet or something and I could not figure it out because their toes looked fine to me. And then when I was in the bathroom someone tried to take my laptop but I had the kingston lock around my ankle and that was okay then. They grabbed it and started to run but then I yanked the cable and they fell over and said something in Chines and kicked the stall door but they did not know that when I use public toilets for poopin I always put my legs up and my feet against the door to brace it in case someone tries to do just that very thing!

I will update more when I get a free time. BTW: I got a rash from the sheets.

So somebody of you out there told me I needed to get touched by that swell dude from The Dork Visitor website (linkers here: here) and see his two opinions on this whole China hack matter. So I went back to his site and saw that he is going to be at the Dedcon next week and hosting a special chitty-chat with the Chinese hackers themsevefs! I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to brush off my old balls and get back into the ring!

So I sent Mr. Jumper this email (and I guess he is black because we know white people can't jump, and let me tell you that is the God damn truth because I can barely jump over the cinder blocks I put in my bathroom anymore):

Dear Mr. Jumper,

Is that really your name? But I am pulling your neck. Let me be serious here for a minute because I am serious!

I am IT Director for a large regional bank here in these United Stats and I think that my bank may have been infested by Chinas cream of the crap hackers... See, earlier this week we got an email sents to everone in the office that says it came from our parent bank's CEO and he was supposedly sayin that they was shutting down branches in like five states because of the mortgage crisis thinger. Well, that freaked everybody out and then they didn't close up diddly and all those tears them gals downstairs shed was for nothing.

I saw lots of China IP addresses here on my honeypants server and because I am the LSA this guy from FedrLine banking system named Kevin was tyring to get me to approve all thes transactions but I said no and he said he was gonna call the FDIC on me because I could not fax him my Host User Code list (because I LOST it! LOLS!!! but what Kevin won't know don't hurt him I GUESS! KLOLOLOLL!!).

Also do you see any problems with using VNC for my FudLine server? Can them commie hackers get into that? Some weird guy that calls himself a Twit on Twitter told me I could look for the IPs of the Macintoshses and that would help but but I don't see how. Can the Chinesse rootkit the Machintoshes cause they are made over there and they put hardware modules in there that Apple does not know about cause it is hidden in that crappy DRM they use on the iphone that they call Fair Play like that superhero that was in that Justice Socienty comic book that people called so damn terrific?

That bein the case the FDCI has not showed up and now everybody is looking spooky at me and I need to handle this fast because every minute means more people being suspicious and I need to sweep this under the rug before anybody gets the wiser that our bank was infested by Chiners and that we got money stoled from us.

If you can't help me before then and push comes to shove, you think you and I can maybe team up and punch those guys sort of like Westside Story at DefCan next week??? We could be like Schweatzenagger and that other guy who is a dried up old prune of a comedian from RED HEAT and we can team up and over power the nerd gangs!!

(See, they are nerds and nerds cant fight for nothing and they don't know marital arts because they are nerds. Me I was in Gulf War and fought Contras in the military so I got training but I will still brush up on a bag of dirt I got in my closet before then to get in shape Rambo-style just for good measure!)

Okay man let me know!!!

BTW: you can read more about this last week's hacker attack for context if you visit my bloglog http://www.bilano.biz/ or you can twit me on Twatter "billbilano"... Thank you.

--
Mr. Billy B. Bilano, MSCE, CCNA, CISSP, and now QISP

Expert Sysadmin Since 2003!
'C:\WINDOWS, C:\WINDOWS\GO, C:\PC\CRAWL' -- RMS

So I figured that was a good email and that Mr. Jumper would jump at the chance to get even with these hackers from Chinas for all the devastation they've wrought over the years! But instead he like did not reply to me at all and I am in limbo waiting for him to reply!

But that got better when a certain friend of a twit on Titter send me a twat about something going on at DefCan where I can like go and be a special guest of a honor at some EFF fundraiser! (The EFF is good beccause they help make sure that the UN wont come and take our laptops away like they did with guns a few years back)

So they want me to go hang out with the Johnny Long guy who has the name like a pr0no star (I don't really know anything about that thorough (the wifey reads the site (HI HONEY-POOPS!))) but he does the Google hacking for Jesus now. I am worried about going to that because they might sing the kum-by-ya song all night or something and try to get me to join the Goggle Hack Cult of the Lord or something cause I don't know what that is all about!

So I am still figuring that out cause I don't know how I can be the guest of honor there and still be in disguse to keep the Chineese hackers away from my pants. I was planning on going like that guy from the Keep on Truckin thing Amazon would do when the site would go down when Bezos needed a back scratch or something but at this point I don't know cause it will be hot. But if I am the guest of honors then everyone will know it is me and the disquise will be compromised worse then HD MOORE'S computer from the DNS exploit that he put out there then the ungrateful people used against him and took his sitez down. So much for them corn flakes!

Okay I got to go to the toilet now that was a big typer! Time to go plant a loaf in the porcelain moat!! LAT8R DUDES!

LOLLSL!!! TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!!! Looks like I stirred up the horney's nest with this one again! Just a bit ago i got the following email along with some picture thinger in it. Here it is for you to see:

From: THE MAO-INATOR
To: bilano
Subject: ffuk you

sir we request kindly you take off that story about china or we will be forced into serious action. remember we are in china and outside the scope of us laws.

So I lookied at my logs and I saw that email and where it come from is some dumb mailbox on Yahoo. Not from China! And I seen that picture gives awaiy their URL for their secret hacker training ground:

So I put that URL into my Netscape and I got some crazy site http://www.111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com and upon first look it look like some kind of wareze site so to be safe I opened up on my UBUNTO LIVE CD (love that LINIX!) and unplugged my hard disker so I could browse like a virgin.

So I went to that site and there is all kinds of crazy pictures of bush and chener and that british guy and then of course the hacker leaders themselves in the picture they sent me. I lookied some more and they have a guest book with a picture of the POPE I think. I think this is a maze to train potential hackers because you keep clicking the "ENTER" and you will get someplace eventually I bet your bottom dollar.

I will keep you all posted on the progress I make in taking down this massive Chinese hacker ring!!!

At least that is my theory at this day!

Look it has been like three days since that Kevin dood called me up and proclaimed he was from FedLine and wants me to approve a bunch of transactions due to the banks closing in them other states. Well, you know what is funny is that he had an accent and it made me think a bit because of the China IP addresses in my honeypants server logs. WTF? Then I saw some articles on The Dark Visiting web site that talks all about China and the mastar hackers that infest that country's streets and cyber cafeterias. There is a game afoot and I am going to beat the streets!

So that Kevin guy called me again this AM and said "you need to approve today before we tell your boss" and I asked him "Are you from China?" and he paused and said "What make you say this?" and I said "Well you got an accent and there are all them China IPs on my servers" and he said "No I am not, but you must approve transactions now!" and I got mad and said "If you want me to approve these then you need to do better than that sir!" So I hung up on him!

I lookied on my caller ID and the number said "UNKNOWN" so I think it's part of the China hacker underground! After some quick use of MSN Search I found the DARK VISITIR website and he talks all about them.

So I am watching closer to see what is going on and I am calling the FedLine people myself to see what they are going to say about THIS ONE!

Okay this is an update dudes from my thingy I posted early today!!

See we got this dumb thing called FEDLINE that ise used to process transactions from bank to the Federval reserve bank and it's this crazy thing that I never understood I mean, why dont they just use credit cards insteado this cloak and dagger stuff. Anyway... So we got this thing and because I am the LSA at the bank this guy named Kevin from the FederLine place called me (he sounded like one of them Chinas so how he is named Kevin I dunno) and he says "We needing you to process some of these transactions here on your FedRine system!"

So I knew the FDIC people would be here so I went to get my Host User Code list (usuall when them auditors come by I just make up a new list with an excal macro to pacify their inquiring minds but this time it was the real gov so I cannot tell a lie). So I was going to go get it from the servr room because I just tape it to the side of the server because it is easier to get when I need it.

Well, these shoddy systems people I hire are too dumb and they moved that servers somewhere and now I can't FIND IT!!! I thought it was in the broom closet where I put my Dreamcast so I can play Sonic Head Hog but it is GONE! So I pulled out my pinger and sure enough the server was still up and running but it is like nowhere to be seen.

This presents me with a problem because when the FDIC gets here they will want it so I am thinking maybe I can try that vendor trick I did when our Exchang server crashed and then I can just give them a PC with VNC setup in full screen mode and maybe they wont be able to tell the difference.

So I am hoping it works out because the last thing I need to do is deal with the feds on some stupid complianct thing! I will keep you all posted!

Hey dueds... guess what? I was coming back from the lunch place and I saw them girls in the parking lot smoking and crying. Everbody got a big email today from the head of the bank that bought us up a while back and well it aint pretty!! Lookie here:

From: Office of the CEO
To: #Acquisitions-US-SWR
Subject: Q3 Challenges

As part of our pact of providing responsible leadership to our employees, I am writing this email to you in order to clear up some rumors and conjecture that began to surface amongst our various acquired branches and institutions over the last few weeks regarding the status of the company's solvency.

Due to recent challenges in the marketplace, with particular regards to the mortgage and lending units, our business has had to take steps in the form of stop-loss agreements with our creditors. Yes, we are a bank, but our investments are backed partially by our heavy investments in commodities, speculative markets, and foreign currency trading. These investments have unfortunately not panned out in our favor and have left the company in a financial bind. Because of the high number of defaults and the unsecured nature of our investment capital, we have begun to seek outside investment to shore up our debts.

In the meantime, in order to continue operation of the company we must take drastic measures that will immediately increase our overall cash flow. That being said, the board has voted to begin the immediate closure of banking facilities in Florida, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Maryland, New Mexico, and Pennsylvania. For those of you in these states, your respective Human Resources representatives will be contacting you throughout the day with details of the closure and applicable severance.

We are saddened that these measures are required, but we have a duty to our employees, our shareholders, our investors, and our customers to make sure that our institution remains strong and stable during the coming hardships. We wish all of our former employees in the above mentioned states the best in their future.

Thank you, and good luck to us all.

Holy POOPSTICK! Well, it looks like we at least dodgered that bullet because we ain't in any of them states at all so I don't know why them broads was crying out there. They say girls that work together all get their periods in sync and I thought that must be the problem so I went and got them a bottle of Pamprin and I said "here take these from me to you" and they got mad at me, boy howdy!!! They threw the bottle in the parking lot and told me to go get my email. That's when I saw that thing there!

WOW is all I can say!!!

Hey duders! I jsut got back from a meeting that the local Lunix user group (I got there sometime to keep tabs on the black-hats since only Linix is for hackers -- regular users use OpenBDS or Windwos or Sun). Anyway so they was talking about cool this new thing called RSS is. So I did it!

I whipped out my code book and made a Bill Bilano Bloglog RRS FEED! You can click to my feed and subscribe to it right here: right here for rss!

Okay and you also see that I refreshed my bloglog so that it looks more like Web-2 style! Lots of fun stuff in here now and I welcome my blog to the year 2008! You see the first bloglog you remember I did was in 2003 and I almost lost it when I was fixing my hard drive and accidentally dropped it in the sink when the Missus was doing them pizza dishes from the night before..... luckily I had some paper towels nearby to sop up the goop and then used her hair drier and it all worked out. But it was time for a cleaning and to make the look more modern! So let me know how good it is in the guestbook over there on the righter side of the screeny!

Okay pals that it all! Please read go to Twitter and become a TWIT, TOO! LOOOOL!

HEY dudes! I got some really cool new thing to tells you all about! I read some stupid web site that said that all the infosec dudes and dudettes are using this new thing called "Twitter" and they send little messages (called "tweets"; sort of like my birds and I promise to update you on the bird pole situation soon enough) back and froth to each other like balls. It's really crazy stuff because I was on there all day and nobody seems to ever get any workies done because they just send updates out and argue about who has the blackest coffee and some crazy woman in there bitches about her HMTL code and how great it is to have four people that wait on her every whim (she said she couldn't get her pads right or something and wanted to send pictures GROSS).

Anyways so I am on that thing now and it's cool because it means that all of my stuff that I say can get directly to these infosec experts - i.e. the ones who need to hear it the most!

So here check out my Twat:

click here to see it!

Hello dudes!!! Major updates from the world of Billl! It turns out that even though are bank is getting slammered by that sub-prime mortgage thing (the bank started giving mortgages to people like rancho who aren't even from the USA and despite my best effort at telling them not to give people like that money they did anyway) and other things I secret did wrong.

Like you know, last month I really scooped the pooch with our Exchanger server. we still get to run our own even though we are p0wned by the bigger bank. Anyway we had that server going and I was working on the stupid disk drives and it broke like a dozen times! so over the months I just rebooted and rebooted and then the message storage thing would not "mount" and the whole company did not have mails. THOSE DUMB DRIVES would break and they corrupted the whole EXCHANG database!!! And top top it off i forgot all about the backups so they wasn't being run at all since last DECEMBER because I was in the middle of a project to make the backups write to UBS thumb drives that I boiught on sale at Target. This other guy here said we needed to fix that by buying a new SAND but i had him fired last year because well, I KNOW BEST! But I guess this time it did not work.

So well anyway nobody had emails for like two weeks or soemthing. I don't know, i just kept slamming the phone down and going "sheeessh!" whenever the PREZLEZ (Madame Presidente of the Banko) walked in and then I says "I CAN'T BELIEVE THEM VENDORS!" like they told me to say in this magazine i read. SO MY SHIT DOESN'T STINK! LOLLL!!! So I just sat around and kept blaming the other guy until nobody cared anymore. I call this "managing expectations" and it works out GREAT! I even got an award at our quarterly meeting for my tireless efforts at keeping that Exchange running!!!

Anyway, even though we're hurting bad they still sending me to... DAFCON! They think security is a big deal and with all the firings they are worried about former emplyoees nipping at our heels. So they figure that snednging me to DEFCON is going to keep them hackers away.

At first I was excited to go because I want to canoodle with my on-line cyber girlfriend but then when i was pinching my morning loaf I of course got to thinking and common sense struck me like a nut! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THAT THING!! Because I know I am a target, and I think Charlie is going to be there, and I am afraid someone is going to click on my pie symbol and take over all my data if I am down there. So if I go, I am going incockneato! So you won't see me, cause I am going as an alternitive medicine new age guru like that guy that was just caught that killed all those slobs that is now being charged with war crimes.

But panic not! I am going to use the TWITTER thing and keep all of you loyal people updated regularly.

BTW: the oldest kid has a myspace page i will post the URL once i make sure it is safe.

UPDATE I checkied out his page and it is SAFE! Go tell my kid how he is awesome!