I got LINKED-IN! Some nice peeps from the block sent me an inviite!!! Check out my profile clicker here:
Now I got my site an RSS feed so you can get the latest security info for me for free!
Hi Everyone I am back in the SADDAL AGAIN!! It has been a while becaus the bank collapses and consledation going on made it hardest for me to keep up with this bloglog but today is the modern era so I AM BACK!
Plus there was these regulatory burdens that I had to bare that meant i had to keep quiet for 24 months before I could brake the silence!!! i decided to keep another moth on there so that to be sure them lawyers wouldnt come and want to take our cake!!!
Anyway your old pal Bill is bakc and remained unscathed by the attorneys at law who were not after me but after the bank that bught our lunch a few years back.
LOLOSLSL!!! I've been HERE before!!!! Sorry boys but you all behave just liek these one there! LOLOLOAHAAHAHAHA
So dudes here I am writing a bloglog enter about before my vacation... I AM HEADING TO BRANDSON MISSOURY for some country licks and hot lips!!! I am leaving Mary behind with the boys because I told them this was an emergecny bank function to keep them from wanting to go with pops.
So the latest goin-ons at the banks revolve around a problem that has to do with these two groups at the bank that report to me. Like a few months back I found that becaus I am IT Director and for whatever reason I am in charge of security and through some clever hand wringing I am now responsible for making sure records are all kepts in line with the Obamas and that kid in the wheelchair and eye patch with the professor hair who runs the Federal Reserve.
So I decided the best way to make sure it looks like I am productinve is to run another audit because it makes me look liek I am on top of things and I get to spend money and tie up a lot of resources and I always come out squeaky clean even when they find all the holes because I was the one who sounded the alarm in the first place. (BILL: 50000, BANK: 0) So, it was a PCI audit because that one is easy to knock out and it only takes an afternoon.
When it was all over these two guys came up to me and said there was a problem. These two guys don't like each other at all and despite my best efforts at making them see my light they still seem to give old Bill the one eye! They are from the FINSECOPS group at the parent bank but somehow they wind up reporting to me as far as our issues go because we operating independttns of the bigger bank (thansk to my handdywork) and that's just how I LIKE IT THANK YOU VERY MUCH! But I know I need to still kiss up to them because they have influence and if I want to make CIO then I need to be on their balls like honey!
So one the one guy came to me and said that our mainframe system that we use to reconcile bank transactions recorded back to the Fed Line system was getting too old to run right and that it was EOL and heck they are right because that systme is as old as TRON! It runs on diesel! So I told him "Yeah! Go ahead and fix it! Whatever the cost, bro, I got your back!" I figure this will go a long way towards securing my sea level seat in corporate!
But then a day later this other one comes into my office and he wants to talk about the same thing. He wants to modernize the whole deal into a Jabva app and put us into the clouds! This guy is respected across the whole of the finance team because he knows how to cuts costs very well. I thought about it and I culdn’t just say no, right? Any time to get open sourse into the bank makes my willy wet and when I do it with this guy all the better! So I said "Look mister, I say get it done! You have budget! Rock and roll!"
Abouyt a week later I got all these purchase requests for a new mainframe and new servers. "Whjatever! They are fixing the problems and I am going to look like a polished turd when this is done!" So I signed off on them. Then I got some consultant contracts and a few personnel requisiton forms and I am started to get adgitated by all of this sheninangigans so I just start to rubber stampt this becuase that's the fastest way to get anything done. They call this FAST TRACKING SUCCESS and Guy Kawasaki wrote about it.
So I had to start ducking meetings and scheduling stuff apart because I cant let them know they was both on the same project. I had to setup all kinds of persmissions in the Sharpoint and Porject servers so they could not see each others bizzies. I was holding twice the number of meetings which was okay because you know that meetings make me look busy but I had to give the meetings funny names to not tip off each of them guys. I named the projects "Project Finnigan" and "Operation Moonwalk" and so that way nobody would know what I was talking about.
Last week I found out that both them shipments of the new mainframe and the other guys new server clusters weer coming on the same truck TODAY! Could it get any worse!? They both were going to be down there to accept delivery so the one guy I paid to have some lady call him up and tell him his wife was dead because she drowned in the Frydaddy (this is how we lost our boys’ first ant farm) and he was needed at the morgue and I then did the same with the other guy but I had them say his boy fell down a sink hole. They both took off like hellbats and so that way I could sneak around the shipping dock and hide the equipment under cardboard boxes and bags of packing peanuts. I used the palette jack and dragged the mainframe into the lobby and wrote "FINE ART - PROPERTY OF FRANCE" on the box. The servers I put in the handicapper restroom and put "out of oder" on the door. So they are hidden good.
So now I am sitting here with about $3 million in mainframes and servers, three new hires going through orientation, and two open-ended consulting contracts...
So how can I sweep this under the rug successfully? I don't know, so honestly I am not going to deal with it. I took a week's worth of vacation time and am heading out on Sunday morning. Whatever happens next week, these two are adults and they can work it out between themselves.
Yo-ho-ho dudes! I am back from a day at the beach where I had to pick sea urchin tines out of my forehead because my wife threw one at me!! But that is another story. I went out in them waves to celebrate that I got picked to be in the ELITE class of people who give presentators at this security show that is going on in CALIFORINA! That is the state where they elected the Terminator for president in case ytou did not know.
Actually it is sort of a fluke because I did not really think they'd pick me over all the other smarties but I guess in this economy they need to maximize their value and they read my bloglog and saw that I am a font of wisdom!!!
So I wrote this proposal that I would go and talk about security vendors that come to the bank and try and sell me their wares and their wireshark. They want to help me write policies and things to make the bank safer and that will somehow get us some stimulus money because Omaba has a bad check written in my name or something and they said they can make sure we get stimulated by the man if we have a cool eight hundred page policy written and pasted in the toilet lounge. So maybe my proposal is sort of legit then I guess, I dunt know.
So I was thinky that maybe these vendors are like all working their clients over. Anybody who is anyone knows that infosac starts with the people and not with the policy. If you got people farting around like me all day well by god then you know... Well so that was how I thought about it and then I remember something I saw on FOX NEWS about these parties where collect kids put other peoples penises into their mouths. I thought that sounded pretty grodss so I quick shut them channels off after their said it was a "rainbow party" and then it HIT ME: that's exactly what these security vendors do!! They get you to take their full nine! Then Fox said it was because everybody was getting TRAP funds from the Fed and Timmy didn't pay them off I can't remember what it was about because I was trying to find a staple that was in my beard.
That said, my (fake) paper is (rickroll please LOSLSLLL!!):
The Infosec Rainbow Party
I thuought it was my duty to make these people MAD!! They would read that and say "this Bilano fellow is disgusting!" but no -- THEY ACCEPTED ME TO SPEAK AT THEIR DUMB EVENT!
Now I got a problem... I gottas get the bank to pay for my ticket. They will want to kniow why! And I will have to tell them that it is for my show about dicks! How will that look to all these people!? My name will be like all over that on Google and YouTobe... WHAT DO I DO!??
So dudes, that Robert Scooble guy who is that got fired from Micro-Soft for shooting his mouth off about the zune all the time just decited to up and hook up twats with me! I saw thiser thing in my inbox this morning and it really sort of at first made my day to thing that I had the respect of my peers but then I realized that I am bigger than him (literally!!! LSOLSLSS) and that he is following ME!
Hi, billbilano (billbilano).
Robert Scoble (Scobleizer) is now following your updates on Twitter.
So I guess he is trying to track what I say about things becuase he is running out of material for his cruddy litte video caster thing that no one watches so he has decided to see what I am saying because I am the best of the breed in security! Just look at my banner ad below and you will see!!!
He spends all his time going from city to city because he has bad credit (I know becaese I looked him up in some of the banks finance things that I have access to that I sell time to all the PI’s that SHOW ME THE MONIES!), so he goes to different towns like a gypsy and does some scams where he interviews people and tries to pick their pockets at the same time so watch out all you movers and shakers, Rogbert “Jabba the Butt” Scable is out to get you and yours!!! And like Dick Cheney, he might just slip you the two-finger willie in the process!!! ALAOLOLLL!!
But this guy used to work for microsoft and talk about tablet pcs all the time befefore Billy “Boy Jive” Gates showed him the walking papers off the short stick. Now he always says his son likes Applse stuff but we all know that is really the Schooblylizer that is doing it and blaming it on his son because he hopes that he might get his old job back one of these days. You know, the job where he copy and pasted things off of technocratti that other people was saying and passed it off as his own.
Dudes cool stuff to report today!!! I am pleased to tell all you people out there that I now got banner ads again on my site!! And I also go a new banner ad that advertises THE BLOGLOG! This bannar ad was designed by my fellow friends here on the Internet who are moonies (that means they work afer hours on other things to make money). They make web design. Well, the one guy does. I don't know if its just him or not but he also did some porn sites (that I don't look at thank you very much! HI MARY!).
So as of two days ago, I got this banner going:
And also he said that I could maybe get more hits if I started talking about stories I find elswhere that other people wrote and that I can pretend they are my own stuff so that I can oincrease my traffic. This is called "search operator engineering" or SOE! He says the more crazy stuff I got that people will dig will get my more hits and that way I can make people better at info securityy and, by extension, make the Internet a safter place for my own kids to use!
So that said I am giving you this store I found on the Dredge Report site that I look at every five minutes. It is about some guy that pooped all over himself in the airplane toilet (i can't even fit in those things so I just carry a big plastic zip bag) and then he opened the door and started running up and down the isle and make the flight attendant go bananas. They was on their way to this place dcaclled Ohama (not unlike that fellow who won the election but with an 'h' instead of a 'b') in Nabraska. Anyway he pooped on himself and if that was not enough he had to be chained to his chair and the passengers had to smell his dung for the rest of the flight... Yowazas!!!
That is all!
I just downloadered this app I was told about that apparenly lets the bank employees download pirated music and that it is all the rage right now after the HOLIDAY because everybody got their I-Pods.
So this new app is called Lime Wire and it is apparently written in secret by that guy who got fired from AOL when he decided to make an MP3 player. I searched around and saw that I ccan stop the illegals on my network by blocking some ports but I decided to see what all the fuss was about before I took those drastic actions.
So I installed it and did a search for my name to see if there was any identity theft and sure enough!! My name was ALL OVER this thing! Look at the screenshit below from this programmer:
So now I am sort of wondering if this has anything to do with the cHinese that I infiltrated earlier in the year... are they selling my person info? I downloaded a bunch of these files and ran them and didn't notice anything other than one of them gave me some apps that play Texan Hold-Em cards and a clicker thing to see pics of naked ladies but I do't mind that too much!!! Mary has been a cold fish lately!!! LOSLSLOSOS!!!!!
Anyway so who knows more about this stuff????
Okay so dudes this is a precusor to my later story that I will blog about in a bit but it has to do about office (orifice!!) polictics and stuff.
I just got out of a meeting with my new boss.
Yeah that is right! Bill doesn't report to the lady CEO anymore. In fact she is demoted and is leaving the company because of her "gross negligee" or something about her underwear. I don't know why anybody would care about that unless they found skid marks in her office or had videos of her sleigh riding in the lobby. WHATEVER! So she is gone.
So today I met this new bossman who came from the bank. His name is Kane Traske. They moved him in real fast and got CEO lady out lickity slit. He is apparently Jewish because he has a big menorah and threw out her Christmas tree. I don't like it because he is not a real Jew he converted so he could marry his wife who a Jewnuine Jew through and through. I think he was just after her money because she is rich and has little dogs that make little poops in the hall when she brings them by and he likes to see other people pick them up.
So anyway he apparently came here from some company that spammed peopple for a living and he got fired because of malfeasance and for just plain sucking the life out of the place like a vampire. AND NO I DO NOT WATCH TRUE BLOOD THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Please stop asking me that!
And this guy and I met today. We stood there and all I could see is the CEO lady sitting on a toilet somewhere looking forlorn and caustic like she always does, trying to put on her pretty face before going out into the world trying to carry on. Kind of like my wife ever since she got back from Bagkock. But we don't talk about that anymore.
He says he wants to go over IT problems and I said "what problems? I solved them already. check the google and see how much I am on top of things!" and he laughed and said he'd set up a meeting for us to talk about it.
SO FAR this guy is not impressing me at all.
Okay so dudes this is gonna be a big project but I gotta share something with you all before I get into it too deep to make sure my head is on myself before it gets too crazy out here.
I got Windows baby! I got it bad!!!
So I was buying my kids a new laptop because they finally found their old one. You'd think that I'd make them use the old one because they found it but they found it and it was in the bottom of the kitty litter pan. So I poured some 404 on it and started to wash the pee off but then oops, I forget it wasn't one of them Toughboot laptops from Panasonic and so it drowned.
So I go to the laptop store down the way that sells old used Dell stuff but instead of buying that old used stuff I saw a new one for a good price! It was some China knock-off of Dell Latitude and it is spelled Dall Laptitude so I figured why not? It has Intel dual-cord power something.
I got it home and turned it on and then I see that it was running that thing called Windows VISTA and I about blew my stack!! I called them gooks up and yelled about my rights as a consumer and they laughed and say "all sale final, joe!" and hung up on me.
So I figured I can maybe put REdhate on it or Uabanatu. But before I did it I wanteed to see what the enemy (Microslath) was up to so I started to use it a bit and as soon as I opened up the Internet and logged into my email I said "WHOA!" and I started to click some more and click even more! Them windows was flying alll over my screen and ripping up my eyeballs with cool stuff. I can see through my window borders and I can see how that can increase my productivity!! This Vista is really coooool!
I got bit by the Billy bug and now I have seen why so many Linux people hate windows because windows make their positions less valuable because people like me can use Windows like a power saw!
So now that I have eseen the light I am going to start a project this weekend over Thanksgiver that maybe I can convert all my Redhate over to Windos Server Vista and join the revolusion!
LOOKIT ME DUSDE!!!!
Hey dudes guess what?! I was working late on Thursday night and was working late at the bank and I sat down at my desk and took a bite out of my hamburger I made on Sunday and set it down on the desk. I started to type away at my keyboarder and was pecking them keys and I reached for my sandwich and I felt something wiggling under my fingers!!!
I looked over there and it was a bee!!!
I jumped up and ran down the hall and hid in the break room area for about five minutes! When I got back it was still crawling around my hamburger and then it flew up into this hole in the floater tiles on the ceiling. I thought that was pretty weird! Why would that bee go up there unless he found a way into the bank that I didn't know about.
So the next day I called this place Rancho told me about that sells fireworks so I could get some smoke bombs and I figured I'd toss them up there two kill two bees with one stone! I'd smoke the bee dead and then I could go outside and look at the building walls to find the hole and then I'd stick some mud or something in there to keep it from coming back.
So I got a bag of smoke bombers and I came in late the next night and I climbed up on my chair and lit one up then I lifted the ceiling tile up and WHOA SHOOT! There must have been like a thousand bees up in there!!! They was flyin around and making noise and I fell over off the stool and the smokebomb landed in a nest of fiber cables and caught them on fire! Then so I jumped up and jumped to the door and ran down the hall lickity fast and went home!! SHEEESH!!!
That was last night and today I came in to check out the damage and see if I smoked them bees and it turns out that thankfully the plastic bag I put over the smoke detector kept the fire alarm from going off (sometimes I have to get rid of old hard drives so I burn them in my office so the Chinas wont get the data off them). My whole office is browned up from the fire and the whole rack of servers is toasted and the ceiling floater tiles are still smoldering! AND NOT ONE SINGLE DEAD BEE! (but they did all leave for some reason because they aint in the ceiling no more)
And to add insult to insult my digitcam was burned up! Now I can't take pictures!!!
So anyways I am going to the store now to get some bleach cleaner and some paper towels and some white paint so I can clean this mess up before Monday comes back...
DUDES I found our yestarday something huge! I hope NOBODY ever finds out about this because it could ruin my street cred! Anyway here is what happened...
That guy "Dirk" apparently had nothing to do with the bank at all. He was not even an employee! Yesterday I went to the CEO lady and told her about "Dirk" and how he tried to kiss me on the lips and she put down her eyeliner and said "Dirk?" and so I just left the room real fast. Then I thought about it for a bit and it hit me like a ton of taco meat... I met Dirk outside of the bank when he came up to me and said "You must be Bill!" and then he told me that story about the girls butt I touch when I walk by (guilty as charged!!! LOSLS!!) and the rest was history!
So he spun up that whole story about my bloglog and posting sensitive information and it scared me up pretty good! These hackers are crafty and they apparently will stop at nothing to get our money. This is the first time I've had a physical attack at the bank that I know of not counting those guys dressed like Hamburglar who tried last spring but got caught by our security guard.
So I figgered that this dude Dirk got in because our security guards must be terrible so I fired them! It was a big deal because them guards have been here since 1972 and Old Fred has been here since and everybody loves him and he is in our TV commercials when he hands suckers to the little kids. But his time has come! If he can't do his job then we'll get new meat to fill his shoes.
So who would make the best security guards? I was thinking real hard then I thought about that taco stand again. They are in the ghettario area or something down by them train tracks. Who hangs out down there and are not afraid of the hobos? The Mexers all live down there!!! I would call Rancho but he got deported or something. Those people never fear anything and laugh at the face of danger by living down in that rotten area! And them skinny butt chica girls are fun to look at when they talk they go "yapyapyapyap... si! si!"
I Google Mapped up "security guards near ghetto AND mexican" and I found a place that looked just like the right place for me: Tres Amigos Securidado! Their slogan is "We will secure you!" or something. So I called them and now I got a great new team of three security guards and let me tell you these are tough hombres!
I was really shocked that they had such experts at security and I am totally pleased that the bank is now in good hands! I gave them their keys and stuff this morning and tonight we'll see if Mr. Dirk comes poking his beak into the honey pot again!
Hey nerds!!! LOSLS!
So okay tonight I was thinky that maybe this bank thing aint so bad and that Dirk and I could be friends and so I called him up and said "Hey man let's go bury the wood be friends" and he was like "Who is this?" So I said it was me and he said we could go meet for some cocktales at this bar down the way that I go to when I am hungry for peanus because they are free there.
So we got there and he he met me and we chatted and watched sports. He said "Did you think about what I told you?" and I was like "Yeah but I need proof" and then he tried to kiss me on the lips but I said NO WAY TO THAT!
THen he left and made me pay for the drink. I hung aorund and had about ten of them. Then I walked home. The boys are asleep and that is fine because I am going to puker in a few mintes... LOOOOLLL!!OL!!!!!! BYE!!
Dudes okay so now... I like... I don't know what to say just yet. Stuff has happened at the bank and I am hesitater to speak of it!
After the Gaogle Chrome incident a few days back (read it about it blow this story) the CEO lady had a phone call with the PREZ of the big bank who owns us. Apparently some goon from below her called up the guy and said they were quitting because their computers never worked and because of "some hairy guy who keeps touching my butt" or something (I DID NO SUCH THING).
So now I am in the dog house this time! This could be the last time I work for the bank because I may quit out of protest!!!
They sent in some bigwig guy named Dirk ("the Dork" LOALSLSS!!) Dantes or something to come in and and like make old Bill do the two foot shuffle. He was a real wetback with his black suit and tie... He looked like a hitman! He had no briefcase and wore these sunglasses that made him look like an Italian!!!
So I just got home. Dirk took me out to dinner and he ordered the skin fruit salad or something along with some tea. We went to some place called Bonedfish that was full of people pretending they were better than themselves. Anyway he was telling me that the bank can't afford to make any more mistakes and that the "times were tough enough" without computer problems being blamed on "a popular search engine".
Then he said "we need you to also stop posting to mailing lists about internal problems" at the bank. And then he said "we also need you to take down your personal web site" because it "provides information that compromises our integrity". He then said "we recognize that there is a degree of cultural investment with your tenure, so we are interested in keeping you on our staff so long as certain behaviors, detrimental to your success, are corrected with due repose". (I copy and pastey from the email he sent me after we had dinner which is a whole other story)
So I said "I can get real, we can make it real!" and then I spilled this drink on him (he asked if I wanted a drink and he said he was going to have a Martiny so I said "sounds good to me" and it tasted like warm piss and had an olive floating in it which also tasted like piss but it sure made me silly in the head!!! It was like when sometimes I take six breaths real fast and get dizzy after I bend over and pick up something heavy it makes me spiiiin!!! LOSLLS!!!!).
But even with that drinker spilled he just brushed it off. He was a smooth skin!
So now what do I do people?! HAELP!!!
Hey hey dudes!!! I am in a world of hurt today!
Fresh off the back street came the Google Chrome web browser and I used it yesterday and made an executive decision that this is the future of the webber! Apparenly it supports rich media and Javesript and stuff much better than old IE and Forefox and NetShark! Boy oh boy was I excited when I fired it on up and looked at the bloglog! WOW! It's great to be so STANDARD!
So then I thinked and remembered that what is best for old Bill is best for the bank! So I got into my Active Directory and went ahead and put into place a new Group Police Object (GPO for shrt) that would push out this wonderful new browser to every desktop when the peeps would log in to do their busy work! Since all our internal stuff is all done through this Javer program in the IE browser that that guy from Sun said we should use (The Network is in the Network), it would be great because I read that Googal Chromer runs Javva like 200 times faster than Internet Exploiter!! LOLS!!! So that was that and I went ahead and edited the default group policey object for the whole company to make sure that everybody had this greatness!
Then this morning before work I started getting calls from people! I was thinking they was gonna say "Bill, my dearest friend, you have made all of our lives better through your brilliant implementation of this cutting edge technology. Through your tireless efforts at ensuring the maximum performance of my personal workstation, today I am pleased to offer you a free lunch of your choice of pizza or hotdogs. Your skills are truly unmatched by your contemporaries in the technology world, and I want to make sure you understand how much I appreciate you." Instead they said "What the fuck is Chrome!? I can't get to the intranet anymore! Nothing works!" Wah wah wah! They cried and cried and so I just hung-up and left my phone off the hook until I got here around 11.
So I go in finally and sure enough that Google thing broke our Jabva program and nobody can do anything, not even those dimwit tellers who always think they are better than everybody because they get to paint their nails when the systems are down. In fact there is one PC down there that did not get the Chrode browser and it still has IE and everbody is trying to use it and the person who uses that PC is charging $15 to sit there and let people check their Hotmale mailbox. I've put one of my guys on it so they are counting it all up and I am going to take it out of their pay!!! Or maybe he will split it with me!! !LOLLSL!!!!
I tried to call Googal and they would not answer and when I did get someone they said to call my vendor. WTF?
So I am going to have to find some way to undo this stuff and I am thinking maybe it's time to call Goog on their shenanigans and make them pay!! I am thinking it might be lawsuit time here!!!