Heye dudes! Bilano here once more to upgrade your brain with some improtant knowledge that is sure to make your day almost as good as my worst!

Since them Chinas are hacking my employer and trying to find their way to the womb of the golden goose, I've instructed our CEO lady (who recently got demoted LOOSL!!! her title is now "General Manager" - what a kick in the titties!) that we need to take drastic measures to stop this infiltration!

Someone in Twittar told me that I could buy one of HD MOORE's new laptops that he makes called the iPawn (clicker here and see about this thing that guy is peddling). It is a laptop he buys from the pawn shop and then puts wireless cards in it and loads Ubatntu Linix on it and makes a fortune. I guess this is what he does since he was disgraced by that DNS bug he discovered which turned out to be a feature only after industry spent billions on patching it. That poor guy I wanted to buy one so I asked him if he could put Airsnorter-NG on my old Apple Newton and they did not respond. So whatever!

So anyway back to my thing. In my tireless efforts to thwart the swelling trend of the Chinese darkies (a term coined by Doc Jumper from The Dark Visiter site about hacking rituals in China), I have decided that we are going to need a new wireless network to shore up our perimeter. I never turned on wireless encryption before because it was to frail and really, who is going to get on a wireless named "PoopGoesHere"? But I tell you it gets funny when I tell new employees that that is the one to use. They love usin it because I put this big antenna and booster thinger on the roof of the bank and it gets like ten blocks of range and even our interns at the university can use it from their dorms!

So anyway I am going to finally security this thing and I was looking at what new wireless things to get. I found one that looks like it might just fit the Bill (LOSLSSSS!!) and my waning budget. So here it is: this looks like a winner. The reason it looks so good to me, honestly, is because of this feature here:

This thing has double firewalls on it! And we all know that two is better than one! And it is only $80! That's a bargain at twice the price. Old Bill here is thrifty if nothing else other than brilliant! The company says this, as you can see above, gives the users protection from external hacker attacks! So when them hackers try to run a train on your data this thing will throw the gauntlet at them and a full out urban assault commences on their IP packets!!! Thank God (capital G if you pleas!!) for Natgear and that is all I got to say about that one!

See I always prefer Negtear over Linksys (Stinksys!! LOSL!!) because once Crisco bought that Lenksys company and started calling it Cisco-light gear all the fun went poop. And the problem with Cisco is they tried to prevent the release of OpenBSD saying that Theor stole the secret goat for thier crappy failover code. Ever since then I have refused to buy any Cicso stuff and then when their rep calls I ask him a lot of questions even though I have no intention to buy anything just to make him waste his time to cost Cisso money! Think of the hit on the stock price! LOLSLSO!

Anyway that is all for today I got to go drop some brown before my shorts take it in the curlies!

All these dutes on Twittser are all atwitting about mangay faces! That is where you put on makeup and run around like a Japan. Or you have someone make your face look like you was from one of their crazy cartoons. (One of these guys I fired had them pictures in some magazine he got when he went to Japan because he is into that culture if you can handle it. He went there and he came back with these things and they were full of big eye girls in bird costumes getting sexed up by eels and stuff. That was crossed my boundaries of good taste so I told him to start packing!)

Anyway this guy on Twittar made me one of them things because I am just that rocking good looking!!!

Here is it:

YEAH!!!

Here are some pics from my trip in Vegas for those! Everbody check them out and tell me if you see yourself so I can put some names to faces!!!

This first one is what I call "Nerd Hall" because it was me at the Riveria hotel walking through a hall of people who are master hackers! And that one guy who has the white hat I thought that was funny becaues this was a black hat convention and he had a lot of nerve showing up like that! He said he called himself "The Chef" and he could not speak English very well so I told him to cook me up a packet and he pulled out some Sweet and Low... does anyone get these poeple!??!

This next picture is from one of those lame teach sessions I went to where you sit and learn. I got bored playing with my thumbs and so I got my camer out and took this lovely photo of a bunch of rapt geeks listening to someone talk about their socks ports or something. There was that blond gal in the lower right corner who had big boobies and later she slapped me when I said I was part of the bikini inspection squad! LOL!L! But that did not happen. Really she sat there looking at her nails the whole time. Crazy broads!

You can also see some guy looking at me right above her. Some big dude that looks like a sea lion. I don't know what his problem is but he may have recognized me so if you know who that is then say hi!

That is all for now!!! More later maybe if I can get this camera to work right.

Hey dudes I am back! From the Last Vegas Defcon convention! For those that did not make the effort to read my Tweets on that Twitter thing all last week, let me clue you nerds in on what went down:

1. I get to the Vegas and got to the hotel!
2. I went and wandered around.
3. Spent a few days in some worthless sessions about stupid stuff nobody cares about like TPC/IP headings and how to break your anti-virus... sheesh! Then I think they arrested Kevin Matnick again because he got too close to a soda machine.
4. Partied with my peers!!! It was great because they probably did the same as me and told their boss that it would be worthwhile and then they just go and drink and dance and sex each other! But I was good because Mary came back last year... but she still hasn't said a word since she got back she just goes to her work and comes home. She still aint got used to the time zone change neither since she was in Thailand because she goes to work at like 8PM and comes home at 4AM but whatever as long as she makes the boys breakfast and cleans my shorts I am okay!!! LOVE YA HON!!!
5. Then I had a boozer with that guy Shawn Moyers from TWIT! He is a super guy and made me a believer!
6. Then I came home to make heads or tails of all of what I seen there.

So anyway I am still trying to get my pictures off of my digit-cam... I got some great pictures of these dancin girls and Shawn told me that them girls had camel feet or something and I could not figure it out because their toes looked fine to me. And then when I was in the bathroom someone tried to take my laptop but I had the kingston lock around my ankle and that was okay then. They grabbed it and started to run but then I yanked the cable and they fell over and said something in Chines and kicked the stall door but they did not know that when I use public toilets for poopin I always put my legs up and my feet against the door to brace it in case someone tries to do just that very thing!

I will update more when I get a free time. BTW: I got a rash from the sheets.

So somebody of you out there told me I needed to get touched by that swell dude from The Dork Visitor website (linkers here: here) and see his two opinions on this whole China hack matter. So I went back to his site and saw that he is going to be at the Dedcon next week and hosting a special chitty-chat with the Chinese hackers themsevefs! I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to brush off my old balls and get back into the ring!

So I sent Mr. Jumper this email (and I guess he is black because we know white people can't jump, and let me tell you that is the God damn truth because I can barely jump over the cinder blocks I put in my bathroom anymore):

Dear Mr. Jumper,

Is that really your name? But I am pulling your neck. Let me be serious here for a minute because I am serious!

I am IT Director for a large regional bank here in these United Stats and I think that my bank may have been infested by Chinas cream of the crap hackers... See, earlier this week we got an email sents to everone in the office that says it came from our parent bank's CEO and he was supposedly sayin that they was shutting down branches in like five states because of the mortgage crisis thinger. Well, that freaked everybody out and then they didn't close up diddly and all those tears them gals downstairs shed was for nothing.

I saw lots of China IP addresses here on my honeypants server and because I am the LSA this guy from FedrLine banking system named Kevin was tyring to get me to approve all thes transactions but I said no and he said he was gonna call the FDIC on me because I could not fax him my Host User Code list (because I LOST it! LOLS!!! but what Kevin won't know don't hurt him I GUESS! KLOLOLOLL!!).

Also do you see any problems with using VNC for my FudLine server? Can them commie hackers get into that? Some weird guy that calls himself a Twit on Twitter told me I could look for the IPs of the Macintoshses and that would help but but I don't see how. Can the Chinesse rootkit the Machintoshes cause they are made over there and they put hardware modules in there that Apple does not know about cause it is hidden in that crappy DRM they use on the iphone that they call Fair Play like that superhero that was in that Justice Socienty comic book that people called so damn terrific?

That bein the case the FDCI has not showed up and now everybody is looking spooky at me and I need to handle this fast because every minute means more people being suspicious and I need to sweep this under the rug before anybody gets the wiser that our bank was infested by Chiners and that we got money stoled from us.

If you can't help me before then and push comes to shove, you think you and I can maybe team up and punch those guys sort of like Westside Story at DefCan next week??? We could be like Schweatzenagger and that other guy who is a dried up old prune of a comedian from RED HEAT and we can team up and over power the nerd gangs!!

(See, they are nerds and nerds cant fight for nothing and they don't know marital arts because they are nerds. Me I was in Gulf War and fought Contras in the military so I got training but I will still brush up on a bag of dirt I got in my closet before then to get in shape Rambo-style just for good measure!)

Okay man let me know!!!

BTW: you can read more about this last week's hacker attack for context if you visit my bloglog http://www.bilano.biz/ or you can twit me on Twatter "billbilano"... Thank you.

--
Mr. Billy B. Bilano, MSCE, CCNA, CISSP, and now QISP

Expert Sysadmin Since 2003!
'C:\WINDOWS, C:\WINDOWS\GO, C:\PC\CRAWL' -- RMS

So I figured that was a good email and that Mr. Jumper would jump at the chance to get even with these hackers from Chinas for all the devastation they've wrought over the years! But instead he like did not reply to me at all and I am in limbo waiting for him to reply!

But that got better when a certain friend of a twit on Titter send me a twat about something going on at DefCan where I can like go and be a special guest of a honor at some EFF fundraiser! (The EFF is good beccause they help make sure that the UN wont come and take our laptops away like they did with guns a few years back)

So they want me to go hang out with the Johnny Long guy who has the name like a pr0no star (I don't really know anything about that thorough (the wifey reads the site (HI HONEY-POOPS!))) but he does the Google hacking for Jesus now. I am worried about going to that because they might sing the kum-by-ya song all night or something and try to get me to join the Goggle Hack Cult of the Lord or something cause I don't know what that is all about!

So I am still figuring that out cause I don't know how I can be the guest of honor there and still be in disguse to keep the Chineese hackers away from my pants. I was planning on going like that guy from the Keep on Truckin thing Amazon would do when the site would go down when Bezos needed a back scratch or something but at this point I don't know cause it will be hot. But if I am the guest of honors then everyone will know it is me and the disquise will be compromised worse then HD MOORE'S computer from the DNS exploit that he put out there then the ungrateful people used against him and took his sitez down. So much for them corn flakes!

Okay I got to go to the toilet now that was a big typer! Time to go plant a loaf in the porcelain moat!! LAT8R DUDES!

LOLLSL!!! TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!!! Looks like I stirred up the horney's nest with this one again! Just a bit ago i got the following email along with some picture thinger in it. Here it is for you to see:

From: THE MAO-INATOR
To: bilano
Subject: ffuk you

sir we request kindly you take off that story about china or we will be forced into serious action. remember we are in china and outside the scope of us laws.

So I lookied at my logs and I saw that email and where it come from is some dumb mailbox on Yahoo. Not from China! And I seen that picture gives awaiy their URL for their secret hacker training ground:

So I put that URL into my Netscape and I got some crazy site http://www.111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com and upon first look it look like some kind of wareze site so to be safe I opened up on my UBUNTO LIVE CD (love that LINIX!) and unplugged my hard disker so I could browse like a virgin.

So I went to that site and there is all kinds of crazy pictures of bush and chener and that british guy and then of course the hacker leaders themselves in the picture they sent me. I lookied some more and they have a guest book with a picture of the POPE I think. I think this is a maze to train potential hackers because you keep clicking the "ENTER" and you will get someplace eventually I bet your bottom dollar.

I will keep you all posted on the progress I make in taking down this massive Chinese hacker ring!!!

At least that is my theory at this day!

Look it has been like three days since that Kevin dood called me up and proclaimed he was from FedLine and wants me to approve a bunch of transactions due to the banks closing in them other states. Well, you know what is funny is that he had an accent and it made me think a bit because of the China IP addresses in my honeypants server logs. WTF? Then I saw some articles on The Dark Visiting web site that talks all about China and the mastar hackers that infest that country's streets and cyber cafeterias. There is a game afoot and I am going to beat the streets!

So that Kevin guy called me again this AM and said "you need to approve today before we tell your boss" and I asked him "Are you from China?" and he paused and said "What make you say this?" and I said "Well you got an accent and there are all them China IPs on my servers" and he said "No I am not, but you must approve transactions now!" and I got mad and said "If you want me to approve these then you need to do better than that sir!" So I hung up on him!

I lookied on my caller ID and the number said "UNKNOWN" so I think it's part of the China hacker underground! After some quick use of MSN Search I found the DARK VISITIR website and he talks all about them.

So I am watching closer to see what is going on and I am calling the FedLine people myself to see what they are going to say about THIS ONE!

Okay this is an update dudes from my thingy I posted early today!!

See we got this dumb thing called FEDLINE that ise used to process transactions from bank to the Federval reserve bank and it's this crazy thing that I never understood I mean, why dont they just use credit cards insteado this cloak and dagger stuff. Anyway... So we got this thing and because I am the LSA at the bank this guy named Kevin from the FederLine place called me (he sounded like one of them Chinas so how he is named Kevin I dunno) and he says "We needing you to process some of these transactions here on your FedRine system!"

So I knew the FDIC people would be here so I went to get my Host User Code list (usuall when them auditors come by I just make up a new list with an excal macro to pacify their inquiring minds but this time it was the real gov so I cannot tell a lie). So I was going to go get it from the servr room because I just tape it to the side of the server because it is easier to get when I need it.

Well, these shoddy systems people I hire are too dumb and they moved that servers somewhere and now I can't FIND IT!!! I thought it was in the broom closet where I put my Dreamcast so I can play Sonic Head Hog but it is GONE! So I pulled out my pinger and sure enough the server was still up and running but it is like nowhere to be seen.

This presents me with a problem because when the FDIC gets here they will want it so I am thinking maybe I can try that vendor trick I did when our Exchang server crashed and then I can just give them a PC with VNC setup in full screen mode and maybe they wont be able to tell the difference.

So I am hoping it works out because the last thing I need to do is deal with the feds on some stupid complianct thing! I will keep you all posted!

Hey dueds... guess what? I was coming back from the lunch place and I saw them girls in the parking lot smoking and crying. Everbody got a big email today from the head of the bank that bought us up a while back and well it aint pretty!! Lookie here:

From: Office of the CEO
To: #Acquisitions-US-SWR
Subject: Q3 Challenges

As part of our pact of providing responsible leadership to our employees, I am writing this email to you in order to clear up some rumors and conjecture that began to surface amongst our various acquired branches and institutions over the last few weeks regarding the status of the company's solvency.

Due to recent challenges in the marketplace, with particular regards to the mortgage and lending units, our business has had to take steps in the form of stop-loss agreements with our creditors. Yes, we are a bank, but our investments are backed partially by our heavy investments in commodities, speculative markets, and foreign currency trading. These investments have unfortunately not panned out in our favor and have left the company in a financial bind. Because of the high number of defaults and the unsecured nature of our investment capital, we have begun to seek outside investment to shore up our debts.

In the meantime, in order to continue operation of the company we must take drastic measures that will immediately increase our overall cash flow. That being said, the board has voted to begin the immediate closure of banking facilities in Florida, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Maryland, New Mexico, and Pennsylvania. For those of you in these states, your respective Human Resources representatives will be contacting you throughout the day with details of the closure and applicable severance.

We are saddened that these measures are required, but we have a duty to our employees, our shareholders, our investors, and our customers to make sure that our institution remains strong and stable during the coming hardships. We wish all of our former employees in the above mentioned states the best in their future.

Thank you, and good luck to us all.

Holy POOPSTICK! Well, it looks like we at least dodgered that bullet because we ain't in any of them states at all so I don't know why them broads was crying out there. They say girls that work together all get their periods in sync and I thought that must be the problem so I went and got them a bottle of Pamprin and I said "here take these from me to you" and they got mad at me, boy howdy!!! They threw the bottle in the parking lot and told me to go get my email. That's when I saw that thing there!

WOW is all I can say!!!

Hey duders! I jsut got back from a meeting that the local Lunix user group (I got there sometime to keep tabs on the black-hats since only Linix is for hackers -- regular users use OpenBDS or Windwos or Sun). Anyway so they was talking about cool this new thing called RSS is. So I did it!

I whipped out my code book and made a Bill Bilano Bloglog RRS FEED! You can click to my feed and subscribe to it right here: right here for rss!

Okay and you also see that I refreshed my bloglog so that it looks more like Web-2 style! Lots of fun stuff in here now and I welcome my blog to the year 2008! You see the first bloglog you remember I did was in 2003 and I almost lost it when I was fixing my hard drive and accidentally dropped it in the sink when the Missus was doing them pizza dishes from the night before..... luckily I had some paper towels nearby to sop up the goop and then used her hair drier and it all worked out. But it was time for a cleaning and to make the look more modern! So let me know how good it is in the guestbook over there on the righter side of the screeny!

Okay pals that it all! Please read go to Twitter and become a TWIT, TOO! LOOOOL!

HEY dudes! I got some really cool new thing to tells you all about! I read some stupid web site that said that all the infosec dudes and dudettes are using this new thing called "Twitter" and they send little messages (called "tweets"; sort of like my birds and I promise to update you on the bird pole situation soon enough) back and froth to each other like balls. It's really crazy stuff because I was on there all day and nobody seems to ever get any workies done because they just send updates out and argue about who has the blackest coffee and some crazy woman in there bitches about her HMTL code and how great it is to have four people that wait on her every whim (she said she couldn't get her pads right or something and wanted to send pictures GROSS).

Anyways so I am on that thing now and it's cool because it means that all of my stuff that I say can get directly to these infosec experts - i.e. the ones who need to hear it the most!

So here check out my Twat:

click here to see it!

Hello dudes!!! Major updates from the world of Billl! It turns out that even though are bank is getting slammered by that sub-prime mortgage thing (the bank started giving mortgages to people like rancho who aren't even from the USA and despite my best effort at telling them not to give people like that money they did anyway) and other things I secret did wrong.

Like you know, last month I really scooped the pooch with our Exchanger server. we still get to run our own even though we are p0wned by the bigger bank. Anyway we had that server going and I was working on the stupid disk drives and it broke like a dozen times! so over the months I just rebooted and rebooted and then the message storage thing would not "mount" and the whole company did not have mails. THOSE DUMB DRIVES would break and they corrupted the whole EXCHANG database!!! And top top it off i forgot all about the backups so they wasn't being run at all since last DECEMBER because I was in the middle of a project to make the backups write to UBS thumb drives that I boiught on sale at Target. This other guy here said we needed to fix that by buying a new SAND but i had him fired last year because well, I KNOW BEST! But I guess this time it did not work.

So well anyway nobody had emails for like two weeks or soemthing. I don't know, i just kept slamming the phone down and going "sheeessh!" whenever the PREZLEZ (Madame Presidente of the Banko) walked in and then I says "I CAN'T BELIEVE THEM VENDORS!" like they told me to say in this magazine i read. SO MY SHIT DOESN'T STINK! LOLLL!!! So I just sat around and kept blaming the other guy until nobody cared anymore. I call this "managing expectations" and it works out GREAT! I even got an award at our quarterly meeting for my tireless efforts at keeping that Exchange running!!!

Anyway, even though we're hurting bad they still sending me to... DAFCON! They think security is a big deal and with all the firings they are worried about former emplyoees nipping at our heels. So they figure that snednging me to DEFCON is going to keep them hackers away.

At first I was excited to go because I want to canoodle with my on-line cyber girlfriend but then when i was pinching my morning loaf I of course got to thinking and common sense struck me like a nut! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THAT THING!! Because I know I am a target, and I think Charlie is going to be there, and I am afraid someone is going to click on my pie symbol and take over all my data if I am down there. So if I go, I am going incockneato! So you won't see me, cause I am going as an alternitive medicine new age guru like that guy that was just caught that killed all those slobs that is now being charged with war crimes.

But panic not! I am going to use the TWITTER thing and keep all of you loyal people updated regularly.

BTW: the oldest kid has a myspace page i will post the URL once i make sure it is safe.

UPDATE I checkied out his page and it is SAFE! Go tell my kid how he is awesome!

DUDES! I just saw the new thing on the rock! The Apple MacPower AirBook!

Yes dudes it is finally here!! The laptop to end all laptops and I am ordering one before they are all sold out! (Steve said once they sell them all they are gone for good becacuse if yoiu don't get one now you never will!) Peep thems features, dudesss!!!!!!:

• battery is integrated so it can't be taken out and used by terrorists!
• no wasteful dvd/cd drive because those parts can be used to make weapons
• it comes with osx!

Well dudinzens, I totoally BLEW CHUCKS on this let me tell you... Sort of! But it's better than you think.

Okay so my bloglog has been rolled back a couple of yars as you can plainly see as the eyes on your face. I had been working it here and the bank and had been posting about a hell of a lot of stuff and goings on and then last weeker I went on vacation to see Mary's folks with the boys (my daddy lives in an old folks home and he has all his friends there so i got no business going to interrupt him over the holidays anyway). Over yonder there they have a PC thinger on their Nintendoe We machine and I can view the internets on the Opera browser. So when they wasn't lookin I punched up the bloglog to see what people were saying in the comments!!!

WFT? I did not see any of my posts in the last six months!!! Nothing doing! So I panicaked a bit and scooped out my drawers and figured that someone finally got the best of old Bill and hack0d my site. NUTS!

But so I got back to workies on Wednesday morning at the bank and I sat down and started diggin into my backups to see if I could scrounge up something. (FYI: a security expert I met last year in an email told me to keep as few of backups as possible. at first I thinky that he's got a screwed loose and I called him on it, expecting high praise from the crowd that had gathered. then he told me that backups bad bad because they's just more discoverable data for when the shit comes down the rope. also backup tapes increase my attacked surface or something like that for good measure I guess. By keeping backups rare and far between, i keep costs down and reduce our over all risk pasture)

So anyway I got the backup and it was from like 2006 as you can see below. I started up the restore and it was going along just swell and then one guy came in and told me a joke and I dropped my root beer can on my laptop keysboard and it hit the bookmark for the bloglog and the bloglog loaded up! WHAT THE HECK!??! How could my siter be up when I was doing a full clean custom resorte of the datas!??!????????? I hit the little recycle button and made sure that page came up each time and then I even hit rewind and sure enough the bloglog was loaded up!!!

it turned out that it was my dev site that I had been postin too for the last while and that! so that makes sense since it was for my internal QA process for the bloglog code. so i went to lucnh with Rancho's replacement Berney (Rancho quit last summer to move back to Hunduras or wherever he is from). Berney is a great guy and he has a wife that is a cougar... he said "she is like a fighter jet, she spends 99% of her time in the hanger but when she flies baby watch out!" Berney is okay in my books!

So I get back after lunch and i sit down to get ready to print out the dev site pages so i can get one of my lackceys to OCR it for me back into the live bloglog and then I FORGOT SOMETHING!!! My restore scripts is set to delete the development environment when it resotres because it is a dead-man switch! once the rstore ccompletes it copies itself back over the dev site that way the dev and production are always in syncronize!!! WHY DID I DO THIS?!?!?! This si the first mistake I made since well, as long as I can remember anyway...

So that's the story. bloglog from May 2006 to today is gone forever!!! lost in the ethernet for all of time!!! IF ANY of you have PRINT OUTS of the bloglog, pls scan them and email them to me!! !Or if you have them caches pls send them!!!! I appreciate your cooperation!!!!

LATER DUDES!!!!

Anyway,

Hey folkers!

Bilano here and I am back from another week of hell! The bank was really rough this week but thankfully none of it was my fault this time and nobody was mad at me. Anyway, the reason I am writing today is because of a fun piece of spam that I got and it got me to thinky about the future of my children (the boys). (BWT they are still not throwing up anymore so it looks like I may have solved that little thorn in my ball)

Here is the spamm I got:

From: Alberto Gatorze
To: undisclosed-recipients;
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2008 02:35:51
Subject: LTA ivites you to South American getaway!

Dear %FIRSTNAME%,

My name is Penny McBride and I am writing you on behalf of the South American Travel Organisation (LTA). You have been invited by a mutual friend to enjoy a free two-week logging vacation in Brazil where you will be able to live the life of a real lumberjack! Adventures in camping, hiking, building fires and chopping down old trees await you on this once in a lifetime trip!

You see, here in Brazil we have too many trees in the jungle that need to be cleared in order to build homes, buildings, and pastures for our throbbing economy.

Now, Logging Travel Adventures, Inc. LLC is bringing the thrilling joys of the lumberjack life to foreign volunteers.

If you are interested in claiming your free once in a lifetime volunteer opportunity, please fill out the attached form and return it to:

...snipper....

Anyway, I went ahead and looked these people up and I saw that there are apparently a bunch of icky old trees down there in the South and they are in the way of all human progress and they need to be disppeared and fast. Sounds like a worthy cause to me! One of the sites I saw was that there was this one duden who was a local yokel and he must not have known how civilization began because he got his arms cut off and the tree-shaver thing went all haywire like and bounced around like an old man having a seizure.

So I figured I could make this into some kind of vacation for myself and the boys! See we usually go on vacation with Mary but she is a real wrench to the nuts because she never wants to do manly things she just wants to sit in the hotel and use her make-ups so us boys are forced to sit inside and watch TV while she practices her womanly arts or something.

The boys and I can be in the woods and we will all pitch tents together when it is time to sleep, and spend a lot of time in the bush! There are them tree sloths that lives in the trees tops and when we cut them trees down they will die when they hit so we will be eating well you bet!

Anyway, does anybody out there have any experience with this stuff because this sounds like a really great trip and we'd have a terd ball of a good time! Post to my comment thing if you have any advice!!! LATER DURDES!

Hey there dudens... Bill here. I'm not too happy about posting this in some ways but I have to tell you avoid St. Peters day like a plague because I did not have a good time out at the Irish pube last Friday night! Remember when I wrote about how Rancho invited me to go out with them to some place on that night and I wow... I don't know I don't like to even mention that because it turned out so bad.

Anyway, Mary is still in New York from New Years with the girls and so I figured I should just go out with the guys from work. I went out with these people and normally I don't drink but I guess on St. Patters day they make beer in the traditional color of the Irish which is green because they are envious of the Brittish (so says the wikipedica).

Anyway, I had a beer and then I felt funny and I noticed some girl was playing with my beard and so I had another and another and Rancho was not helping in fact I think he left at like 8:30 at night! Then they brought me these little tiny glasses that were like two inches tall and they said it was a "green meanie" or something and it was green too and so I decided why the heck not. Then some guy pinched by butt and said he wanted to touch my chocolate shamrock. And that is the last thing that I can remember! I have never had that much beer before and I don't know if I want to again.

I finally waked up on Sunday morning. I got the house all to myself and so the kids thought it was funny to built a sand castle on my bed by hauling in some sand from the backyard (when they mud-jacked the server room I kept all the spare sand because I wanted to make some adobe blocks in the backyard).

They was hungry for some reason so I brushed the sand off onto the floor with the rest of it and went to the kitchen. I started getting the hiccups and the whole room felt like it was moving around. I shook it off and fumbled around and got their cereal bowls for them and their spoonies. I got the little cereal container that Mary puts that stuff into down. I poured the milk into their bowls (I do that first because that way when I fill the bowl the cereal floats for a while so it looks like they are getting a heaping bowl full of stuff but they only get a little bit because since they are going to hurl it up later this way there is less for me to clean up).

Then the bad thing happened. I poured the cereal out and it was some of that Lucky Charms cereal. I saw them little marshmallows tumble out into the milky brine and then I saw the green shamrock marshmallow! I shuddered and dropped the cereal and I felt something hot in my throat like a big baseball was coming up. Then I leaned over and shot huge loads of puker all over the breakfast table! And it was green from all that darn beer! It came out my nose and my mouth and it was foamy and gross! The kids screamed and Bill Jr. Jr. slipped on it and fell as he was trying to get away but I just kept coughing and foaming up the whole kitchen.

When I was all said and done I stood there looking at the murky green landscape I had just sprayed down and grabbed a towel. I mopped and scrubbed because when Mary comes home she can not ever know that I got into the hooch like that! That was so scary for me and I am going to have to talk with HR about Rancho because he got me into that mess.

But the good news is that for the last day, the boys have not throwed up at all. I think I scared them so much because they'd never seen that happen to their old man before. Time will tell, I guess. Until next time...

Hey dudens! Billano here reporting in on the big day! It is SAINT PATTERICKS DAY today and I am ready to rock and roll! It's nice weather here at the bank and everybody is happy and ready to go and party, including yours truly! Them guys downstairs (Rancho and his hands) invited your intrepid ace computer whiz to a drink off! I am not usually a drinker but this time I decided that it was no time like the present so I am going to dive into the old kegger! They said they had some way to make beer green and I have to see that!

I think they invited me because Rancho heard that I had a crazy time in New Orleans last month when I was there for a function of some kind. Apparently it was the week of Mardi Grass party where everybody who was not washed into the sea by Karolita gets to party and stuff! I had a great time but I can't remember that night at all. After I left the hotel I got suckered into this drinking place and then bought me something and there must have been roofies in that because I woke up in my hotel room without my shirt and there was a bunch of beads around my neck and my man-boobs hurt something crazy!

Anyway, this time I am prepared. I went down to the store and bought a new digicamera for tonights adventure in paradise because I know I am going to get some liquors and I am going to be painted green by all the lovely ladies who go out to party because they know how to party.

I was not sure what to get, but boy let me tell you that these cameras are getting pretty good! Here is a sample picker I took of my office:

Anyways I got to get running because Rancho said the party boat is leaving right now and I don't want to be later!

Holiday Cheers time now! My wife surprised me last yesterday when she came home from her works and told me that she was going to leave the town for a while over the Christmas and New Years! Seems some of the girls want to go to the New York City and see their friends for a girls week out or something and they invited Mary along. That's just great because that means I get to stay home with the kids and help them wrap their presents this year and have my own holiday party with the food she wont let me eat because it makes me gassy (like those Little Deborah snacker cakes and Suzie's Queue pies).

She said they going to Broadway or something (they call it Broadway because only broads like that crap) and they was going to stay until New Years Ever because they wanted to see Time Square and Father Time and watch his balls drop like they do every year. There is going to be a lot of transvestires out that night because who wants to watch someone nuts slide down a pike until midnight? Only faggers.

Anyway, I called up the guys to see if they want to come out and romp while the little lady is out of town! I got out my Elvis Costello records and Foghat tapes and I am going to buy some beers and some jerky. They all said they might maybe come if they can make it. But then it hit me: I'd better clean up my workshop in the basement! See, I am a man's man and I don't do cleaning up. I let the wife clean up after me because that's her job because I am the breadwinner around the house (but she does have a job and makes more than me but she doesn't know that). But because the guys are coming, I need to clean up that area so we can watch the dirty movies!

Since the wife refuses to come into my workroom, I have a lot to clean up. There are about a year's worth of dirty dishes down there all stacked up on my model trains which I don't play with any more because the cat we had for a few days pissed on the power transformer and it died. I just put a plastic bag over it and stacked the dishes on top so I have to take care of that. Then there are all the chicken eggs I colored for the easter egg hunt that we did not do and they are not looking too good anymore. All the burger and fries wrappers and paper cups. A lot of papers from the office that I kept with email print outs and packet logs from the firewalls. And that crate of frozen mice that I got for my pet snake to eat (I found a snake under the desk where the cat died and I named it Raymond because everybody loves a snake) but all the mice thawed out and the snake died before it could eat them so I just left them over there to deal with later and there is no time like the present!

Anyway, I thought it would be cool to get the boys down there to help their old man out. I got them some shovels and we started to move it all over to the other side of the room. Once that half of the room was cleared (and it was actually more like three quarters because everything stacked up nicely), I went and got some scrubber brushes and I tied them to the boys' feets and hands. I poured a bunch of soap and bleach on the floor and told them to go ahead and skate around and pretend they were at the hockey field while I went to the hadware store to get the supplies I needed. I locked the door behind me on the way out so nobody would get them and I proceded on my way! When I got back, the boys were sort of acting funny and dizzy for no real reason. But they got that floor clean, let me tell you what!

So I told the boys to stand back a bit while I dumped the lime I bought over the whole mess on that side of the room. It was messy but I've seen them do this before on TV. They put the lime on the mess so that it smells better. But this stuff did not really smell like lemons but it was good enough for me since I've seen them do this before in the military and believe me, those people know what they are doing!

Then I built up a new wall real quick using my tool and cinder blocks that I bought. I sprayed some lysol in the old area and threw some more lime in for good measure. Then I placed the last block and I was done! The boys and I quickly glued the new drywall over the blocks and spray painted it to look right. When the wife comes down here she will see a clean workshop and be so proud of us men in the house and maybe she will stay home this time!

Yo ho ho and a Merry Happy Chistmaholikwandoodey or whatever those people are saying now instead of JESUS! Yeah we are saying that at the bank now because apparently some pople still think that Santa is Jewish or something.

Anyway, we had our office party last Friday and, as usual, a hacker attack broke out! Actually it was some security goons from some company that I guess we hired to make sure my nuts were tight like you could bounce a nickle off of them. These two guys called me up last week and said they wanted to test our network and said they were under contract and that they needed the root passwords for all the servers. I went ahead and gave it to them and they told me that they would be in touch with a final report. They said they read about the virus I discovered on my bloglog and told me it was because of generous and worldly human beings like myself that they are able to stay in business and that should the bank not work out, they will give me a corner office in their new building in Nigeria. But I don't want to live in that pit of a country because they are so full of scammer and fraudsters that my work would never be done!

So these guys decided to use the night of our party, a time when I was vulnerable from boozing and schmoozing up the teller girls from downstairs, as the night they would launch their test. The girls all had too much of the hooch and started to pull my beard when I grabbed them. But whatever because you know, they should not sell those thonger underpants to girls who are older than 22 because they should not be wearing them and believe me they weren't! (See, the bank was not supposed to dish out the piss like that but boy did they let them taps flow that night holer smokes!)

My pager started going off about the time the crummy magician they hired for entertainment fell over and all his cotton balls fell out of his pockets but that was okay because the magic was not really magic and it was not the good kind because nobody laughed at him and someone threw him a dime as a tip. He did not like that and so he suddenly up and left (instead of disappearing). It was more good that way because he had a black hat on and with all the booze I had floating around my noodle it really gave me a bad vibe and I think I freaked out or something because the next thing I know, I was running down the hallway screaming bloody balls about DNS cache poisoning or something. (I know this happened because I saw it when I was conducting my regular review of the the tapes of the ladies restrooms to make sure they was not doing blow off the counter tops, which they do because that's all those trailer park gals from downstairs are into. That and watching that stupid E gossip TV network. But they do have some fine caboose down there I must say!! RLFROFlLFM!!!)

So I busted into the server room and knocked over one of our racks when I tripped over that stupid sucker cup tool that I use to get under the floor tiles and to massage my forehead with. I could not get to the terminal to check it out because I could not see my way around the place and there was sand everywhere. But it would soon be okay because that guy Rancho who runs the mail room (I think that is his name because he is a mex or something and they all got names like that) had some chickies in his arms and some pot and the girls looked like they just got fed a snake. So they was dancing on my floor tiles with their stupid IPod and Rancho came over and asked me what was up. I was still thinking about the magician and that big damn black hat when my pager went off again and I fell over in my chair! I was so drunked up I thought my shoes were flying off my feet and Rancho told me to "chill out meng" and I chilled out.

So anyway, those girls finally passed out and Rancho said they would let us make out with them but I am a married man! So I moved them into one of my emtpy server cabinets and turned on the fan on the top of it so they could breathe and Rancho started singing "Yo yo! Put 'em on the glass!" like that rapper guy Sir Mixer-Upper does! LOSLSLS!!!

I was so tired by that point I was ready to die and then the CEO came in and I thought we were dead ducks at that point but you know what she did!??! She went over and tongued up that Rancho guy! There was slobber and it was so gross because she was kissing him and she's a lezzo anyway. But then he grabbed her hind side and she said something about her girlfriend wanting to become a manager of something. Crazy girls! So he left me in the server room with these two passed out teller broads in the cabinet while he went off to smooch with the CEO again.

So at that point I was fed up with my pager so I tossed it into the trash can and carried those two passed out girls into the parking lot and laid them real good in the bushes (the last thing we needed was for the coppers to find us in that situation so I made sure to pick out a real hidden place).

So those hired hackers... I don't know what happened to them because my pager was sacrificed for the greater good that night. I guess they did not get into Old Ironsides (as I call the datacenter) like they thought because nothing was crashed or broken when I came back in on Monday. I know they tried because there was hundreds of giggers of databytes that went through out router that weekend according to MTRG!

I guess they are disgraced because they wont answer my emails now! L!OL!!! And later, I was talking to our financial officer about it and he said he had no idea what I was talking about. That made me feel all fuzzy and warm because I've told everybody at the bank to be on the lookout for social engineering attacks and it looks like all my emails to the bank-all mailing list paid off!

Anyway that is it and I am tired of writing this because it's hard work to share my life with all of you fools who don't know what it's like to be a true fu-schnick like me. Until next time, dudes... this is Bilano, signing off and away!

Hey dudes! Long time no update on the old bloglog it seems. Shit has really hit the fanny at the bank. People are saying that we are going to get bought by a larger bank. But first, I got a joke for you that I think is a riot! I overheard this crazy one in our break room and I laughed so hard I almost shot Dr. Pepper out my nose... here it is:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing and he concludes by saying "and yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Bush yells out "Oh no! That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

I can't believe the nerve of these people criticizing Mr. Bush in that way! He is a great President and I find it personally insulting that these people would dare say such terrible things! I mean if it were up to me all of these people would get put away because freedom of speech does not mean freedom to criticize! When they tell jokes like that it just makes me think that they are giving the Iraqers all the more hope to keep fighting us. Freedom is only in the eye of the beholder and those who giveth can also taketh away!

Now, on to the big news! Major shake-up at the banks! It came out that we are getting purchased by a mucho larger national financial bank! I am absolutely flipping out I am so excited because that means I will get to expand my knowledge by taking over the operations of huger place than I am now at and I can show my "cleaning house" acumen! I've been designing my plans and scheming and crafting up my strategy to convert everybody over to our systems ASAP. I've start port scanning their systems so I can present my vulnerability assessment next week to the higher-ups to show them where their defficiencies are (and so they wont give me back any lip when I waltz in and tell them to fire all their people that suck).

That's how I work. The first order of business will be to fire everybody. Then, I will go back through their emails (they have close to 400 IT people) and determine who is smart and then I will hire them all back as my support operation. We will have to move all their datacenters from Atlanta and Vancouver and Chicago and New York right here (probably to the second floor where my three racks and my Sun 6800s are). We may even need to get another server room and if that is the case I am going to push hard for a private bathroom this time.

We are going to be a leaner, meaner, IT operational machiner! LOSLSL!! I can estimate that I will save the bank several million dollars per year in payroll by moving everything here and culling my herd!

What do other people think? Well, they don't know yet because they don't get to read everybody's emails like I do. So that gives me the upper hand and believe me I wont be showing this hand to anybody (well maybe the back of it! LSOSLS).

Until next time, kiddos!

Someone is attacking our guestbook here at the Bilan-O-Zone and putting stupid links to Texas pornography and on-line casinos in the guestbook. If you do not stop this errant behavior I will be forced to take desperate measures!

UPDATE: Some asked me who that guy is in that pic. That's Michael Keaton from before he lost his arms filming Jack Frost 2.

Hey dudes. Nothing good to report today! I thought it was going to be a swell day but it turned out to be crappity crap! I got to work any a buddy of mine from Microsloft had send me an email about some new program they were beta testing for chatterboxers. He said that it would be about my speed and I don't know what that meant but after you read my story you will get what the hell I am talking about and my drift, too! I think he might be one of those homosex people. Anyway, the program is called "MS CHAT 2.5" and it is in beta so I can't link it to you because I don't want to get sued by monkey liberal lawyers and their activist judges for ratting out Microsfto!

So this program lookied pretty cool until I fired it up and joined the default chat channel! I will never use this program again because the people are crazy! They have their own website and post their own chat logs and they are sick cookies believe you me... So here is my chat conversation and you will see just how sick and depraved these people are (click to make it bigger to read):

Okay guys so like... it's late at night and I had some drinks here in celebration of the success I've had this week at the bank! I am really tired but I had to post this stuff before it was too late tonight and I would forget in the morning because the kids are so noisy at 6am when they start howling about having to eat breakfast. Anyway, that's a big distraction for a guy like me because I have to look before I leap.

So a few days back some guys on the snsort bleeder mailer list (a list of mails that get sent out to help people make better use of their intruder system by scanning emails or, as we say, bleeeeed them) suggested we start fighting the war against terror right here with out inboxes! So this guy Matt Jonkser put up some examples to look for terror words in the emails so that we can stop the insanity and catch some terrorists! And what did we see? A whole bunch of "I hate America" clowns cropped up out of nowhere and started yapping about how they can't do that and they can't do this because it violates some stupid laws that were made to protect privacy. Well get this: we at war and we are not going to pander to terrorists!

So anyway at the bank I whipped up some new rules to supplement Matt Jankser and his ruleset. Read about it all right here!

It has sparked a firestorm of debate and people are freaking out! OMGFG!!!!

Heye heye heye! It's your old resident computer expert back again. Some serious stuff today. I was at work talking to peeps in the mens room just at the bank just now about the Apple switching from PowerG5 chips to Intel (I had some mean burritos for breakfast and so while I am sitting on the terder evacuating the old chute I fiured I would write up the discussion I had while it's fresh in the old noggin since I overheard some guys from the advertising department complaining about it and then I piped up) and then I remembered: I was THERE at WWDC during the whole thing and I had an entire chat room log (given my current "sitting", pardon the pun! LOLSOL!) of my discussion and galant relaying of the latest nuggets of steaming news from the conference floor!

The whole thing started when I told the bank that I needed to go to the WWDC to find out about the competition (I called it the World Wide De-hacker Convetnion) in the net-sec world! They bought that line hook line and sinker (floater in my current shit-uation LLSOSLS!!!) and sent me off on my way, first class style seats on a major airline! After fighting with the security people after I got tangled up in one those moving elevators when my shoelaces got caught and then my pants fell off in front of some old ladies, I got to the Moscow Center to cover the gala event!

So I pulled out my booze and drank it down -- this was going to be one hell of a day! I figured I needed a little hit in the morning to start the day right and to help liquidate my senses! Anyway, I got my wireless on and sat down and VNC'ed into my system and got into IRC into the chatter channel to talk about the LIVE events as they unfolded! Old Bill scooped everybody this day! But you know what sucks major mule bootay? Nobdoy believed I was speaking the truth! Well I feel pretty vindicated now that everything I said was real, but I don't need to prove anything to those suck-nuts because you know what? I was there when the walls came down! I was there!

I also noticed that a lot of the coverage of the event did not jive with what I saw and reported upon! After I got back to my hotel and hurled a bit (the combination of strong boozers and the adrenaline rush of being in the same room as Steve "The Jobs" Jobs took its toll on my bowels and balls) I turned on the TV looking for coverage and THERE WAS NOT ANY! So I got onto the Mac forums and it was just as bad! Everybody painted a rosy picture of the days undoings...

So today, while talking to these goofuses in the pooper, I decided that it was time the truth came out! Rather than write a big story about it, I decided that the best thing to do would be to just post the chat transcript and let you all be the judges for yourself!

Read the IRC transcript of my WWDC coverage here!

Dudes! I just got back from watching the new Star Wars III: Return of the Sith and boy are my arms tired! I took the day off today (because it was better than last Monday because that was a holiday and we get that day for free anyway and Mondays are better because the popcorn is cheaper) to take the two boys to see Star Wars! And let me tell you what a blood pumping experience that was! In fact, for the last week my heart has been aflutter because I get to see the movie and the delicious Paris Hilton reprise her hole as Princess Padjama or whatever it was. I don't care how it's spelled because if it's wookie enough for me, it's wookie enough for me! Do the curtains match the drapes on her or what? LOSLS!!!

It was great, the boys had a blast! They had fun at first playing with the popcorn that was on the floor but no kid of mine is going to pay with O.P.P. (other peoples' popcorn, LLOLOL) so I went and got them a soda and their own bucket of kernels (the kind you eat, not compile LOlSOS!!!). It is expensive! The last time I saw a movie was like in 1998 when I saw Swindler's List about the Jews in Germany and what a complete bore that was! I fell asleep like fifty times.

The best moment when I knew I was a real dad was when in that movie that little robot RD2D (we call him Rudy) lit the meaner robot's oil or something and it blew up! That made me jump like a frog so fast I accidentally let out a whopper of a pass and the whole theater laughed at me. That was funny but what was funnier was how it just delighted the boys. They were laughing at their old man so hard. Then it hit me -- we were out of my son's medicine and he did not get any! Right as that happened I saw his eyes bug out and a huge streamer of sticky soda and chewed up buttery popcorn flew out of his mouth and all over this black guy and his hippity-hop girlfriend next to him! (Now I know someone else who wont be getting any! LOLOLS!)

The guy was real polite even though he could tell I was afraid of him because he's black. So I said to him "Yo I am sorry, yo!" and gave him the shirt off my back as I tied up Bill Jr. Jr. to the chair and took my oldest to the restroom to clean up. When we got back, I could not find Bill Jr. Jr. (he's 3 now) and so I started asking around. The string I used was gone, too! Now those dads out there know that feeling all too well, I am sure! We've all lost our kids now and then. So I hefted Bill Jr. over my shoulder and started running out of the theater to find the other one! About the time we got to the lobby, Bill Jr. hurled up a load all over my back (I should not have carried him over my shoulder in retrospect) and the manager came down! Some twit twat in the theater took Bill Jr. Jr. to the manager's office thinking I had abandonned him! What was this crazy whore thinking?

Anyway, so we just got home and threw our messy clothes into the hamper and now we're going to the public pool for a dip before dinner. We tried to fill up our inflatable pool this weekend but that's a whole other story. Anyway... until then! Ta-ta dudes and dudies!

UPDATE: After reading the forums on the netter I started to see some of these crazy clowns out there crying foul because they think Steve Jobs stole their dream! Well, that's tough titties if you ask me. I am pleased as punch because this is going to be great, but then I started to think... I never met a Mac user before (but I know about what they do, see my post below) so I fired up the GOOGLER (which is the worst search engine because they have terrible business practices and are run by a bunch of foreigners and make their employees work in gulags to make shoes for the executives) and I searched for "mac users" and I found this picture as the first result:

Hey duders! I was surfin' the hershey highway tonight and I read some crazy news! Apple is going to switch to Intel! Yeah that is huge news and I had to post it. It's the biggest news of the year so far! Michael Jackson? Downing Street Memo? They don't hold a candle to this huge news! Check it out because you know what, I don't care what you Mac fanboys are into because their computer choices always boil down to how much horse porno they can look at at once and how much Star Trek stuff they can get ahold and how they want to get some used Apple Newtons so they can take them out on a crappy little skiff and smoke cigars and get drunk while they play with each others balls! Sorry but I had to get that off my chest because they are crazy crackers and have no mothers!

But seriously, Steve Jobs said he's going to give us all the golden shower and deliver us from Windows by giving us OS X for the x86 platform!

Okay dudes! Bill is back after a brief hiatus where I spent some time in continance after the Valentiner Day debacle! What a crazy disaster that was! My oldest kid had his school v-day party and card exchange and several of the girls gave him cards with boogers in them. That was kind of gross but I told him that these are the breaks! Anyway... there's some real news right now that gets better and better every time you'll hear it.

So we went to this here offsite thing-a-ma-bobby, and wow, it was refreshing! I mean, woza! It really gave me a chance to shine in front of everybody who has not seen me shine before. And when people know how good I am, I feel good and it just makes me want to one-up them even more! At first, it was focused at first on taking care of the customer (because they are the ones that pay my bills), but after a while I decided that I would mix it up a bit and get every one thinking about safe computing! So after sitting back and being bored and thinking about what I should do while I blew spit bubbles and made googler-eyes at the falicitator, I decided the best thing to do was take charge and show everyone what I was made of: meat!

They decided on the first day we needed to split up into groups and work together as a team. In my team (I decided to call us the BB-Boys), I did more team work then all them skirts in my group, no one could keep up with me! We did this thing where we put blind folds on and had to fold a rope, but it was really a time to grope! LOLSL! Anyways, after getting a fistfull of boobers on that game we did this thing where we put our balls into a bucket by using ropes and jumper cords. But I had this idea and went and got my cricket bat from my car (I don't play cricket at all because that's what those limeys do). The falicaitor tried to stop me, but I told him to show me where in the rules it said I can't do that, and he could not, so heck with the old bastard! I was going to get points for thinking about the box!

Then we did other things that was a pantload and I got tired of it real quicker, so I tried to start up a game of pose-offs like I saw in that great flick, Zoolander! But, noooo! Everyone was scared to go against me! So all that team work was getting annoying cause my team was all crabby and would not do what I told them and I was getting upset so I asked them all if they needed some Mydol or something. Then that jerk Ben heard me and starting getting in my face over some nonsense about being fed up with me, but I told him he will be off my Christmas list unless he cools it! Later on I talked to his boss about me taking him under my wing becase he is wacky anymore and I think he needs a firm hand like mine to straiten him out.

After team building was over, it was time to get down to brass tacks! So we went over the biz plan, and those jerkies told me to leave after a while after I told them their failed buisness plan is not my problem and that the reason the bank is doing badly is because we lost all those customers because of our old webmaster and his stupid virus.

Not much to talk about lately just been busy bumpin' the grind! But I am in the dog house lately with the wifer because I screwed the kooch again with her car! I was on my way to work and Mary's car was just sitting pretty (she wont let me drive it because it was more expensive than mine) and I saw that her sticker thing on the window from crazy Mick (the guy from Ireland who gets my ire (LOLSOSL) who works at the luber place) fell off so that means it was time to go in for a hot oil treat! But this time I decided to do it for her myself and it didn't quite go quite as planned or something.

First I got out my tool and got down there under the front of the thing and climbed under it but I got my beard caught on something so that hurt but I got down there and found that little nugget that holds all the sauce in! Next thing you know I almost had it out and then all that stuff was pouring down my hand and got all over my new shirt! So I was trying to get our from under that beast and I got my belt caught on something and I was trapped so I started yeling for my boy to get me something to pry myself out with. Instead he brought me a shovel and I threw it at him and told him to get me some bowls. That little turd went and got me a bunch of dishes and by that time I had finally got my belt untangled from this pointy thing and then I put the bowl down and it started filling up. We went through about every bowl in the cabinet before we were done.

Anyway, the boy went back in and started playing his damn Atari thing we got him before school. So now I had all the bilge out into about 20 bowls all lined up in the driveway. So I took them in one by one and flushed it down the toilet and tried to clean the bowls out with some laundry soap I had sitting around. That got them clean enough for me so I put them back into the cabinet (they still smelled a little funny but nobody will notice once my wife fills them with cereal for the boys later). Anyawy, I go back out to the car and I see that I forgot to buy new oil...

Now, I know some of you will laugh, but you know what? I didn't want to catch Hades from the misses so I had to act fast! Thankfully, we had some vegetable oil in the pantry that seemed to work pretty well for about half of her trip to her job I guess because she called me and was pretty worried about her car smoking up on the highway and smelling like popcorn and gasoline. Anyway, when I got to the fixit place that mick runs, it was all downhill from there and... well, let's just say I am sleeping with the fishes tonight because Mary is not talking to me...

I just had to get that out on the open! I am sorry WIFE! Please forgive your loving husbander! :-)

That crazy Bitcjitch guy who wrote that crummy book about metaphysical zodiacs and how they can fix your network from getting crackered up (Tao of Networking Secretly) gave me props the other day it would seem! He saw my post to the Snordt mailing list about how stupid his packet hog program is but he thinks I was praising him! OFMGMG!! But then he goes on to say that he wishes I was not a real person! Well guess what! I am real and I am coming for your job, you Rooskie chucklebutt! Stuff that in your nose and smoke it! LOLOLso!!! You can read his worthless bloglog entry about me if you just click here.

Okay! The cat is out of the bag on my latest good idea... well, it's not so much of an idea but it's still hella cool! But I am missing one critical component and I need your help... I am trying to setup and Intruder Deflection System (IDS) using the Snotr software program and I want to make it work like that other program sguile in that it has access to all the packets... oh hell you know what is better? If you get off your lazy dumb and clicky here to read my post to Snart-Users and then you will get the big pitcher and all the kool-aid we can muster, mister!

Also, I talked to that hacker chickie who posted my bloglog on her bloglog thinger and she told me she works for something called the IRAC and protects the nukes from getting into the hands of Saddamists or something. Anyway... she's crazy and I will have to write more about them later because they are white-crack spooks indeed!

Hey dudes! Oh my ouchers, I have got something so way far out cool you are going to wish you didn't hear it from me because it's just THAT COOL! I took a little spill today after breakfast and wouldn't you know it, I wound up in the bank's basement! You wont BELIEVE what I think I found down there because even though it smells like my basement I spent the whole day down there digging around... I had never been in the basement of the bank before but I think I've struct dirt down there let me tell you! I think I have a great idea... but I am not going to tell anybody for a few days because it's going to take me that long to pull my mouth out of my shorts!!! LOLLL!!!! Stay tuned, dudes!

Happy Valentines Day you hackers and hackettes! Bill here with a Valentine for you! Since this is last minute I did not have a chance to make a fun page like I did for my gala Christmas carol last year (two months ago if you are going to nitpick).

So anyway I decided to do a nice thing for the CEO today! I sent her a big red box of chocolate brown sweets in a heart shaped box that I bought at the mall this weekend. And they are not those cheapy crapola kind of sugar things that this Indian guy (who I mentioned earlier who almost got me fired) always buys from the goat market or whatever it is downtowner on the filthy streets, these are good premium style chocolates from this store that my wife buys her boobie cream from.

Anyway, I got them here this morning and I remembered that this guy named Rancho from the mail room said she doesn't like nuts (then he said something about her spending time with her secretary lady but really... girls are like that they will get together behind closed doors and put make-up on each other and do all kinds of weird things). So since she wont eat nuts I went through all the chocolates and made sure I removed all the ones with nuts. I replaced them with some black jelly beans (the kind that nobody really likes but it is the thought that counts) and taped them down so they don't roll around inside the box. I don't know if she was happy or not but that's good enough for me!

Also, some crazy hacker chickie has put up a tribute to me on her silly web site! Apparently she is a white hat for the spooks and she sort of looks like that goth honey named Abby from that terrible TV show NCIS on CBS. I don't know if I should be insulted or not but when I saw this I about made trouser brownies I was so happy! Somebody is finally acknowledging my brilliance and genius in a positive way but I still don't take kindly to being called names, which she does. She has used lots of big impressive words and I am going to include them on my resume because it makes me look smart. BTW: If I was not a married man I would call her a pure hottie because she's got that special twinkler in her eyeballs that gets my hog rumblin'! Raaawwwr! LOLLOLOLLS!

Until next time dudes...

Hey dudes and nerds! LOL! I have made a Virtual Christmas Card for everybody out there who reads my bloglog! I wrote this fun version of the holiday classic The Night Before Christmas that tells the story of a smart, sexy, super dude (me) and his adventure come on Christmas night when a mysterious visitor awakens him from his winter fun! I tried to rhyme it right and I think I got everything in there so, without further delay, I wish you all a good time reading my poem!

click here to read my work of literary masterpiece!

Hey dudes!!! I took the kids to see Santa at the grocery store down by the office (it is a bigger and better store that the one we have nearby because the one we have nearby only sells diet soda). And the kids were very excited but you know my friends who run my hosting company had a pick of Dick (Cheney!) on their website (you can view that damned thing right here, but it is weird) with a huge nut in his left leg! So that freaked me out because he is the Vice President and they are not allowed to go commando like that. If the Dickard was doing it like that, what about Santa? So I wanted to make sure before I let my kid sit on his lap. I KNOW it sounds silly but when you are a dad you have to worry about sickos like him and Santa.

But it ended up not mattering much because my oldest kid (the one in the picture who is not a baby) has a problem where he can't eat. If he does, he will throw up. We've been to a lot of doctors and every time they tell us to do something about it, we don't because we believe in homeopathy (that is where you fix problems by eating grass and other natural remedies) unless something needs to get cut - we're not stupid! So anyway I gave the boy a hotdog and the little trooper ate it up even though he knows it will come back up later, probably in the car again. But we pressed on and I gave the kid the hotdog and some ice cream from this place in the food yard place in the mall. So anyway, when we get to Santa I am trying to get a good glimpse of Santa's package (LOLS!!!) to make sure that nothing is "out of spec" and I think the mall security guy noticed me bending over and peeking (no peeking at packages, LLOLOLOL!!!) and they wanted to escort me out... but then my son came to the rescue and made a huge mess! Normally I would be mad at him but today it came in handy! It was funny because Santa was covered in hotdog mess and all the other kids were crying. I took my boy to the toy store and bought him a new Go-Bot thing and he was happy until dinner time.

Bad news, dudes! We had one of those rare winter storms here the other night that resulted in lightning! There was snow and thunder and crazy stuff like I have not seen in years but you know what? It was fun! Until disaster struck and lightning struck our bird pole! We just got it up last week and had already started seeing the little tweets building their little love nest up there high above the trees. They are so cute! But now they are dead and probably not coming back. The little house my wife built exploded and the top of the pole was red hot for about five minutes. I tried to put it out with the fire extinguisher but it was so windy that the foam just blew back in my face and stung my eyes. So we just stood on the patio and watched and sung Amazing Grace. The neighbors started clapping when we were done so I don't know what that was about.

The next morining we went outside and in the snow were little bits of the house and the little sign my wifey made that read "Bless this Mess". We also found some feathers. My oldest kid gathered up the feathers and took them to show and tell today to talk about the dangers of lightning (he is a smart kid at least). It's too cold and icy to get up there now, though. So we are going to climb up there when spring time gets here and see if there is anything left to salvage from the wreckage and maybe have a funeral for our fallen.

Hi-ho! Bill here and wow let me tell you what a whirlwinder last three months it has been at the Bilano House and at the Bilano Office. First the big news... the wife decided to have another baby but I am not sure what that means. The next to big news is that I foiled a hostile tackover attempt at the bank on my very own! Nobody knows that I did it, so it is my own just rewards. Some people who have been here longer were bummed for some reason because they had stocked some kind of options or something for a rainy day and now they can't use them. Whatever that means. Anyway, this means that I got to keep my job at the bank! All I did was after reading the CEO's email I forwarded on the stuff about how they were going to take the buyers "for a ride" over to the buyers and then I attached one of the naked pictures of the CEO that I have with it. It was funny as stuff! LOLOL!

So anyway I was on the mailing lists today reading about the Seukris thing and I saw a funny post by Sean "Hell-Freeze" Helfee and Henner "the Butcher" Bowser where they were talking about a slow network on the Suekrist device despite their best efforts to charm the pants off of those patch cables. Anyway, Sean told Henny to bite the big one and whip out his member for some measurement and I laughed so hard I almost made pudding because I had eating too many breakfast burritos that morning (sorry but I think poop is funny, ROLFMSS!!!).

So that is my story for today! Stay tuned for my big Christmas (YEAS I say Christmas because I am a Christ-man! Take that in your loofah and scrub it, O'Reilly! LOLSOL!) update because you know what they say... tis the season to be freezin!

I just came across this! It is not nearly as big of news as the Charlie Root scandal below, but it's still worthy news... I was using my CINDR block list that I posted on 9/11/04 and I searched my bloglog's web logs and I found that our good friends at the Department of Justice are using my greylisting application that I released in June! That is so cool! They are using my greys program to keep out the terror-spam from Obsma "rm -rf" /bin/Laden! LOL!

149.101.1.127 - - [02/Jul/2004:12:17:37 -0500] "GET / HTTP/1.0" 200 31668
149.101.1.127 - - [02/Jul/2004:12:17:38 -0500] "GET /favicon.ico HTTP/1.0" 200 1150
149.101.1.127 - - [02/Jul/2004:12:17:41 -0500] "GET /bilano.png HTTP/1.0" 200 9915
149.101.1.127 - - [02/Jul/2004:12:20:04 -0500] "GET /greys-current.zip HTTP/1.0" 200 15781

The truth is exposed! The hack of the century has been uncovered! You heard it here first, folks. I, Billy B. Bilano, have discovered the truth about the faked deaths, the hackers, the sex, and the lies! I have posted my evidence on the FUD DISCLOSURE mailing list (click here to see the post) about how I caught on to the egregious and notorious phisher con-man who, in 1970, faked his own death to become a master packet crafter and extortion expert!

It seems that, from what I can tell, Charlie Root, the former baseball player for the Brown Cubs, now holds the very lives the entire information economy is his hands. I believe he may have also been responsible for the Y2000K catastrophe that nearly shut down the entire planet on December 31st, 1999! Evidence of this will be forthcoming...

Do you think you may he hackOred? Are you on UNIX? Check your front folder! If you see a folder named "root" or if you can finger (LOL) the user named "root", you will see him! If you have escaped his reach, you are certainly in the know and we could use your skills in the cleanup! I will soon be posting a resume section on this bloglog for people who can help the world with the global infrastructure cleanse-up!

This is a sad day for IT people everwhere! Some have told me to keep it under my hat, less the DOW collapse after Old Chinski unleashes his hoard of SELL orders! But I figure a first-strike must happen now and we must suck it in and tighten up our belts and draw the line in the sand right here and right now! We will now bow down and take it like alter boys for some hacker con-man! Not today and not any day! Long live the security professionals who put their lives on the line to make sure their networks are secure! Long live us!

The notorious "Mr. Root", who faked his own death to become a master hacker.

UPDATE #1: It appears that the nefarious Charlie Root is on to us and is heading for the hills! He is frantically trying to unsubscribe from mailing lists as we speak! Clicker this linker to see his unsubscribe request to openbsd-tech!

OMGF! There is something BIG afoot. I've gotten some weird email in the last six hours and I think the bank has been hacked by hackers yet again! I will post more info as it comes out but this is beginning to look HUGE! And I am not sure it's just our bank... it might be the entire internet! This is going to be ten times bigger than he win32.ssl.b (B for Bilano) virus that I discovered... check back tomorrow for more horrifying details about the biggest global-hack of the century!

I was reading the PACKET STORMER site and I saw a cool file of all the so-called government-related IP ranges. Well, I downloaded the file and HOLY SMOKES there are a lot of governments out there!

I thought I'd better get these IP's into the firewall at the bank so I can log firewall hits before we become a victim of one of those crooked third-world governments. I know they're crooked because I get email from leaders of those terrible places that want my expert help getting their money that was phished by Pay-Pal scammers back into their worthless Nigerian coffers (I would help them but they always want me to send them money and they flip out when I give them the bank's corporate card number and I never hear from them again).

You can download the list from right here: CLICK HERE

Here is the original file from THE PACKET STORMER: here.

Well it is here!!! No... not my new bird pole. Not yet anyway. But no! It is the Serving Pack 2 from Microsoft! An extra serving of BUGS as they say! But seriously, Serving Pack 2 deployments have been going on here at the bank and so far the word on the street is hoops! Everything is gold and dandy with this pack!

The Sun servers are puttering along just great! It was a busy month but we got our web sites back on-line! I had to take drastic measures and not update the bloglog lately. We had a LOT of stuff to do! I hired a consultant guy, a real smarmy shark jackass, but he hired two other super-duper smart Java guys and they got our website back up and running in just over three weeks! Then I FIRED them! LOL!

First, I had to take care of the Sun 6800s! They were so heavy in the server room that we had to do something. The floor was shaking and starting to crack and buckle under the girth of these massive servers. So, I called up by friend Roger and had him perform something a wee bit unusual! We mud-jacked the server room! We brought trucks up to the site of the building and some cement mixer gear and poured wet sand and a little bit of concrete in and pumped the raised floor full of it! Now those servers ain't moving anywhere! The ladies room underneath the data center needed some reinforcement so it would not collapse, but I didn't handle that because those tarts are crazy down there they scream whenever I come in there.

I would have had pictures of the stuff but I dropped my digital camera in the cement and now it's somewhere under the floor! LOL! Someday in the future they will find that cam and the memocard and find some funny pictures of my wife yelling at me and the kids playing by the highway construction site I take them to instead of the park... and of course pictures of the great mud-jack at the bank!

I have also started taking security really serious like with the release of the SP2 from Micro5hit. I am doing some good stuff with the CARP here to protect the bank from the crypto hackers! Ever since MD5 and SHAQ was hacked, we can't trust any packet anymore.

BIG update! Whew... until next time, dudes!

Just saw a good thread on the Full Disclosure mailing list about RACE RELATIONS in the workplace! They are arguing about the middle east and of course had to chime in because it's an issue I have personal experience with! Experience that, I think, makes me an authority on it.

I wrote about the Jew and Arab guys that worked at the bank. You can check it out here. I fired them both, but they sure taught me a lesson about friendship!

I didn't write about the Indian and Pakistani guys I knew when I first started working at the bank because it had to do with Israel and Palestine. So, I'll share it with you all here: When I first started at the bank we had a Pakistani guy working for us and an Indian dude. They had cubes next to each other and the printer was between their cubes. They would argue a lot about silly stuff nobody gave a rat's butt about so one day I put a sign up over the printer that said "Kashmir" in big letters. That did not go over well and I almost got fired the day I started!

Still working with the Sun V6800 servers today. My gosh, Sun people are elitist! Just look at what they are saying about me after they so rudely kicked me off of their lists for trying to get some help (look for my post where I, politely, asked "Rescue me from Sun's screw ups!"). I guess it is because they think they are better than everyone else because they get paid for their work (Linux people can't get anyone to pay them because they don't know how the capitalism works and since their GPL thinger is from Soviet Russia this is to be expected). If these Sun servers don't work right, I have to might try that OS Jaguar "X" thing from Apple! I read in EWeek that it comes with an Apache already setup and a fun GUI to configure the networks!

The floor in the server room is weird today! It's still making creaking noises and every step you take, the floor wobbles up and down! One side of one of the 6800's has su