So dudes here I am writing a bloglog enter about before my vacation... I AM HEADING TO BRANDSON MISSOURY for some country licks and hot lips!!! I am leaving Mary behind with the boys because I told them this was an emergecny bank function to keep them from wanting to go with pops.

So the latest goin-ons at the banks revolve around a problem that has to do with these two groups at the bank that report to me. Like a few months back I found that becaus I am IT Director and for whatever reason I am in charge of security and through some clever hand wringing I am now responsible for making sure records are all kepts in line with the Obamas and that kid in the wheelchair and eye patch with the professor hair who runs the Federal Reserve.

So I decided the best way to make sure it looks like I am productinve is to run another audit because it makes me look liek I am on top of things and I get to spend money and tie up a lot of resources and I always come out squeaky clean even when they find all the holes because I was the one who sounded the alarm in the first place. (BILL: 50000, BANK: 0) So, it was a PCI audit because that one is easy to knock out and it only takes an afternoon.

When it was all over these two guys came up to me and said there was a problem. These two guys don't like each other at all and despite my best efforts at making them see my light they still seem to give old Bill the one eye! They are from the FINSECOPS group at the parent bank but somehow they wind up reporting to me as far as our issues go because we operating independttns of the bigger bank (thansk to my handdywork) and that's just how I LIKE IT THANK YOU VERY MUCH! But I know I need to still kiss up to them because they have influence and if I want to make CIO then I need to be on their balls like honey!

So one the one guy came to me and said that our mainframe system that we use to reconcile bank transactions recorded back to the Fed Line system was getting too old to run right and that it was EOL and heck they are right because that systme is as old as TRON! It runs on diesel! So I told him "Yeah! Go ahead and fix it! Whatever the cost, bro, I got your back!" I figure this will go a long way towards securing my sea level seat in corporate!

But then a day later this other one comes into my office and he wants to talk about the same thing. He wants to modernize the whole deal into a Jabva app and put us into the clouds! This guy is respected across the whole of the finance team because he knows how to cuts costs very well. I thought about it and I culdn’t just say no, right? Any time to get open sourse into the bank makes my willy wet and when I do it with this guy all the better! So I said "Look mister, I say get it done! You have budget! Rock and roll!"

Abouyt a week later I got all these purchase requests for a new mainframe and new servers. "Whjatever! They are fixing the problems and I am going to look like a polished turd when this is done!" So I signed off on them. Then I got some consultant contracts and a few personnel requisiton forms and I am started to get adgitated by all of this sheninangigans so I just start to rubber stampt this becuase that's the fastest way to get anything done. They call this FAST TRACKING SUCCESS and Guy Kawasaki wrote about it.

So I had to start ducking meetings and scheduling stuff apart because I cant let them know they was both on the same project. I had to setup all kinds of persmissions in the Sharpoint and Porject servers so they could not see each others bizzies. I was holding twice the number of meetings which was okay because you know that meetings make me look busy but I had to give the meetings funny names to not tip off each of them guys. I named the projects "Project Finnigan" and "Operation Moonwalk" and so that way nobody would know what I was talking about.

Last week I found out that both them shipments of the new mainframe and the other guys new server clusters weer coming on the same truck TODAY! Could it get any worse!? They both were going to be down there to accept delivery so the one guy I paid to have some lady call him up and tell him his wife was dead because she drowned in the Frydaddy (this is how we lost our boys’ first ant farm) and he was needed at the morgue and I then did the same with the other guy but I had them say his boy fell down a sink hole. They both took off like hellbats and so that way I could sneak around the shipping dock and hide the equipment under cardboard boxes and bags of packing peanuts. I used the palette jack and dragged the mainframe into the lobby and wrote "FINE ART - PROPERTY OF FRANCE" on the box. The servers I put in the handicapper restroom and put "out of oder" on the door. So they are hidden good.

So now I am sitting here with about $3 million in mainframes and servers, three new hires going through orientation, and two open-ended consulting contracts...

So how can I sweep this under the rug successfully? I don't know, so honestly I am not going to deal with it. I took a week's worth of vacation time and am heading out on Sunday morning. Whatever happens next week, these two are adults and they can work it out between themselves.